忏悔录 Confessions | BOOK IX Chapter2 跃下讲坛

BOOK IX Chapter2

跃下讲坛

And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for their madness.

“在你鉴临之下”[5]，我决定不采取众目昭彰的办法，而用柔和的方式摆脱我嚣讼市集上卖弄唇舌的职务，不要再让青年们不“钻研你的法律”[6]和你的和平，而去钻研狂妄的词令和市场的论战，从我的口中购买肆行诡谲的武器。

And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no more to return for sale.

幸而这时距离“秋收假期”[7]已是不远了，我决定耐过这几天，和寻常一样离校。我既已经你救赎，决不想再蹈出卖自己的复辙。

Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle tongue, which as though advising us, would thwart, and would out of love devour us, as it doth its meat.

这是我们在你面前打下的主意，除了家人和几个知己外，别人都不知道。我们相约不要向外随意透露消息。虽然那时我们独自“涕泣之谷”[8]上升，唱着“升阶之歌”[9]，已在你手中领取了“利箭和炽炭，抵御诡诈的口舌”[10]，这些口舌以忠告为名而实行阻挠，似乎满怀关切，却把我作为食物一般吞噬下去。

Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish us.

你把爱的利箭穿透我们的心，你的训示和你忠心仆人们的模范已镂刻在我们的心版上，变黑暗为光明，犹生死而肉骨，在我们思想上燃起炎炎火炬，烧毁了我们的疲弱，使我们不再沉沉下降，而是精神百倍地向上奔腾，凡是从诡诈的唇舌所吹出挠扰的逆风，不仅不能熄灭我们内心的神火，反而吹得更旺了。

Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was before the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what end had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of.

你的圣名已广扬于世界，因之，对我的志愿和计划当然也有称许的人，但如果不等待转瞬即至的假期，未免近于特殊；因不待秋收假期的来到而先辞去众目昭彰的公职，则必然引起人们的注意，将不免议论纷纭，以我为妄自尊大。使别人猜议我的心理，讪谤我们的善行，为我有何裨益呢？

Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of Thy sons.

由于夏季教学工作辛劳过度，我的肺部开始感到不适，呼吸困难，胸部隐痛，证明我已有病，不能发出响亮或较长的声音。始而心烦意乱，因为不得不放弃教师的职位，即使能够治愈，也必须暂离讲席。但打定了坚决的主意，要“休息，并知道你是主”[11]之后，——我的上帝，你知道这事——我反而很高兴能有这样一个并不撒谎的辞职理由，足以安定那些只为子女打算而要我卖命的人们的心。

Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place.

我非常愉快地忍受这一段时间，等它过去——大约二十天，我记不清楚了——终于毅然熬过了；以前有名心利心和我共同担负艰难，这时若不是把坚忍来替代名利之心，我真要委顿得难以自持了。

Perchance, some of Thy servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water?

你的仆人中，我的弟兄中，可能有人认为我既然要一心奉事你，若再在撒谎的讲坛上迟留片刻，便是犯罪。我对此不愿申辩。慈爱无量的主啊！你岂非已把这种罪过和其他可怕的、致命的罪恶在神圣的水中[12]一洗而空吗？