忏悔录 Confessions | BookⅦ Chapter3 难解的问题

BookⅦ Chapter3

难解的问题

Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith where by I believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's salvation, to that life which is to be after this death.

我的依靠，你已经解除了我的束缚；虽则我仍在探索恶的来源，虽仍找不到出路，但你已不让我飘摇无定的思想脱出对于你的存在，对于你不变的本体，对于你垂顾的人群、审判万民，对于在你的圣子、我们的主基督之中用公教会的权力核定的圣经启引人类永生之道的信仰。

These things being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not with me: For that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place, but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is enough," "it is well": Nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst me below. And this was the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing. They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the images there of presented themselves unsought, as I would return to Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou "humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up mine eyes.

这些信仰已在我的思想由保持而趋于巩固了；我更迫不及待的追究恶的来源。我的上帝，我的心经受了多少辛苦折磨，发出了多少呻吟哀号！我却不知你正在倾耳而听。我暗中摸索，向你的慈爱高呼，这是内心无词的忏悔。我所经受的，除你之外，更无人知。我的口向我最亲密的朋友们泄露了多少呢？他们怎能听到我内心的感受？我没有时间也没有足够的言辞可以尽情倾吐。但一切只有上达到你耳际，“我的心在嗟吁吼叫，我的志愿呈露在你面前，我眼睛的光明却不和我在一起”，[2]因为这光明在我心内，而我则散逸于身外；这光明不在空间，而我则注视着空间的事物；我找不到安息之境，这些事物既不接纳我，使我能说：“够了，很好！”又不让我重返较安的处所。因为我在你下面，但高出于这些事物之上；如果我服从你，你将是我的欢忭，你将使一切次于我的受造物服从我。这是所谓允执其中，是我得救的中庸之道，使我能继续承袭你的肖像，能控驭着我的肉体而奉事你。可惜我妄自尊大，起来反抗你，“我挺着似围了坚盾的颈项”[3]向我的主直闯，卑微的受造物便爬在我头上，紧压我，绝不使我喘过气来。我举目而望，只见它们成群结队，从各方面蜂拥而前；我想敛摄心神，而那些物质的影像已拦住我反身之路，好像对我说：“你想往哪里去，不堪的丑鬼！”这一切都从我的创伤中爬出来，因为“你轻看骄傲的人，使之如受重创”； [4]我的嚣张之气使我和你隔离，我浮肿的脸面使我睁不开眼睛。

But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling abated, and the troubled and be dimmed eyesight of my mind, by the smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed.

主，“你是永在”，但“并不永远向我们发怒”，[5]的神。你怜悯尘埃中的我，你愿意在你面前，改造我的丑恶。你用内心的锥刺来促使我彷徨不安，直至我心灵看到真实的信光。我的浮肿因你的灵药而减退了，我昏愦糊涂的心灵之目依仗苦口的瞑眩之药也日渐明亮了。