忏悔录 Confessions | BOOKVIII Chapter4 两个意志

BOOKVIII Chapter4

两个意志

But when that man of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; for for this very end had he related it. But when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the Emperor Julian a law was made, where by Christians were forbidden to teach the liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, chose rather to give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb; he seemed to me not more resolute than blessed, in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their discord, undid my soul.

你的仆人西姆普利齐亚努斯讲完了维克托利努斯的故事后，我是满心想效法他，这正是西姆普利齐亚努斯讲述这故事的目的。他又附带说，犹利安帝[15]在位时，明令禁止基督徒教授文学和雄辩术，维克托利努斯遵照法令，宁愿放弃信口雌黄的教席，不愿放弃你“使婴儿的唇舌伶俐善辩”[16]的圣“道”。我以为他的运气不亚于他的毅力，因为他能以全部时间供献于你了。我是叹息想往着这样的安闲时间。我并不为别人的意志所束缚，而我自己的意志却如铁链一般的束缚着我。敌人掌握着我的意志，把它打成一条铁链紧紧地将我缚住，因为意志败坏，遂生情欲，顺从情欲，渐成习惯，习惯不除，便成为自然了。这些关系的连锁——我名之为铁链——把我紧缠于困顿的奴役中。我开始萌芽的新的意志，即无条件为你服务，享受你上帝，享受唯一可靠的乐趣的意志，还没有足够的力量去压伏根深蒂固的恶习。这样我就有了一新一旧的双重意志，一属于肉体，一属于精神，相互交绥，这种内哄撕裂了我的灵魂。

Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, than in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly, whither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea, that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too was. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should fear to be encumbered with it.

从亲身的体验，我领会了所谈到的“肉体与精神相争，精神与肉体相争”[17]的意义。我正处于双重战争之中，但我更倾向于我所赞成的一方，过于我所排斥的一方。因为在我所排斥的一方，更可以说我并非自觉自愿地做而大部分出于勉强承受。习惯加紧向我进攻，这也未尝不是我自己造成的，因为我是自愿走到我所不愿去的地方。惩罚跟着罪恶，这也是理所当然的，谁能提出合法的抗议？我过去往往以为我的不能轻视世俗而奉事你是由于我对真理认识尚未足够，我也不能用这种假定来推卸罪责，因为我已确切认识真理。我还和世俗牵连着，不肯投到你麾下，我的害怕消除牵累，无异于人们害怕沾惹牵累。

Thus with the baggage of this present world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts where in I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched there in. And as no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me mastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently," "leave me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my "little "presently," "leave me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my "little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom, where by the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lord?

世俗的包袱，犹如在梦中一般，柔和地压在我身上；我想往的意念，犹如熟睡的人想醒寐时所作的挣扎，由于睡意正浓而重复入睡。谁也不愿意沉沉昏睡，凡头脑健全的人都愿意醒着。但身体非常疲乏时，往往想多睡片刻。即使起身的时间已到，不宜再睡，可是还有些依依不舍。同样，我已确知献身于你的爱比屈服于我的私欲更好。前者使我服膺，驯服了我；后者使我依恋，缠绕着我。你对我说：“你这睡着的人，应当醒过来，从死中复活，基督就要光照你了。”[18]我是没有一句话回答你。你处处使我看出你所说的都真实可靠，真理已经征服了我，我却没有话回答，只吞吞吐吐、懒洋洋的说：“立刻来了！”“真的，立刻来了！”“让我等一会儿。”但是“立刻”，并没有时刻；“一会儿”却长长地拖延下去。我的内心喜爱你的法律是无济于事的，因为“我肢体中另有一种法律，和我心中的法律交战，把我掳去，叫我顺从肢体中犯罪的法律。”[19]犯罪的法律即是习惯的威力，我的心灵虽然不愿，但被它挟持，被它掌握；可惜我是自愿入其彀中，所以我是负有责任的。我真可怜：“除了通过我们的主耶稣基督，依靠你的恩宠外，谁能救我脱离这死亡的肉身？”[20]