忏悔录 Confessions | BOOKV Chapter5 奥古斯丁抱病

BOOKV Chapter5

奥古斯丁抱病

And lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I was going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed, both against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and above that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For Thou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He abolished by His Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with Thee. For how should He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I believed Him to be? So true, then, was the

death of my soul, as that of His flesh seemed to me

false; and how true the death of His body, so false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it.

我到罗马了，迎接我的是一顿疾病的鞭子，我正走向着地狱，带着我一生对你、对我、对别人所犯的罪业，这罪业既多且重，加重了使“我们在亚当身上死亡“[18]的原罪的铁链。这些罪恶，你尚未在基督之中宽赦我，基督也尚未用十字架解除我犯罪后和你结下的仇怨。因为我当时所信仰的基督不过是一个幻象，幻象怎能用十字架解除仇怨呢？我的灵魂已附于真正的死亡，而我当然还以为基督肉体的死亡是虚假的；基督的肉体真正死亡过，我这个不信基督肉体死亡的灵魂也只有虚假的生命。”

And now the fever heightening, I was parting and departing for ever. For had I then parted hence, whither had I departed, but into fire and torments, such as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of Thy appointment? And this she knew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present, heardest her where she was, and, where I was, hadst compassion upon me; that I should recover the health of my body, though frenzied as yet in my sacrilegious heart.

我的热度越来越高，已经濒于死亡。如果我那时死去，我将到哪里去呢？只能到烈火中去，按照你的真理的法则，接受我一生罪恶应受的极刑。我的抱病，我母亲并没有知道，但她虽然不在，却为我祈祷；你是无所不在，不论她在哪里，你俯听她的祈祷；我虽身在罗马，你却怜悯我，恢复我身体的健康，虽然我叛逆的心依旧在痼疾之中。

For I did not in all that danger desire Thy baptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of my mother's piety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown up to my own shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, who wouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which wound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For I cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her childbearing in the flesh.

我处于如此严重的危险中，并不想领受“洗礼”。童年的我真的比当时的我好，我童年时曾要求热心的母亲为我举行“洗礼”，这一点上文已经回忆而忏悔过。我所度的岁月不过增加我的耻辱；你不使如此不堪的我灵与肉双双死亡，而我的狂妄反而讥笑你忠告的药石。如果我母亲的心受此打击，这便伤将永远不会痊愈。我真是无法写出我母亲对我所抱的心情，她的精神生养我所担受的劬劳，远过于她肉体生我时顾复的勤苦。

I see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine stricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those her so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But wouldest

Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of that chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty and service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine altar, twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission, coming to Thy church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but that she might hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers. Couldest Thou despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one, where with she begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or passing good,

but the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift she was such? Never, Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and doing, in that order where in Thou hadst determined before that it should be done. Far be it that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and answers, some where of I have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid up in her faithful heart, and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as Thine own handwriting. For Thou, because Thy mercy endureth for ever, vouchsafest to those to whom Thou forgivest all of their debts, to become also a debtor by Thy promises.

如果我在这种情况下猝然死去，必将使慈母肝肠寸断，我不知道这创伤将如何治疗。她作了如许的祈祷，她连续不断的祈祷到哪里去了？不会到别处去，只能到你那里。你，慈爱的上帝，能轻视一个寡妇的“忏悔谦抑的心”[19]吗？她是乐善好施，服从并伺候你的圣贤们，她从不间断的每天到你的祭台前参与献礼，从不间断的每天早晚两次到你的圣堂中，不是去听些无稽之谈，或老太婆们的饶舌，而是听你的圣训，你也听她的祈祷。她的流泪，不是为了向你要求金银，或人世间飘浮脆弱的东西，而是要救护自己儿子的性命，她的所以能如此，是出于你的恩赐，你能轻视她的眼泪，拒绝而不援手吗？主啊，当然不会的，相反，你在她身边，答应她的要求，按照你预定的步骤而实行。你在梦中给她的答复，上文我已提到的和没有提到的，她是念念不忘，在日常祈祷中，奉为你授给她的左券，你决不会欺骗她。因为“你的慈爱是永永不匮的”[20]，你宽免了一人的负债后，，你对这人许诺什么，反而如你自己负有债务。