忏悔录 Confessions | Book VI Chapter 4 福梦

BookVI Chapter4

福梦

I panted after honours, gains, marriage; and thou deridedst me. In these desires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more gracious, the less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was not Thou.

我热中于名利，渴望着婚姻，你在笑我。这些欲望使我遭受到辛酸的困难，但你的照顾却远过于放任我享受那种不属于你的乐趣。

Behold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all this, and confess to Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou hast freed it from that fast-holding birdlime of death.

主，你愿意我回忆往事并向你忏悔，请你看看我的心。你把我胶粘于死亡中的灵魂洗拔出来。希望它从此能依附于你。

How wretched was it, and Thou didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that forsaking all else, it might be converted unto Thee, who art above all, and without whom all things would be nothing; be converted, and be healed. How miserable was I then, and how didst Thou deal with me, to make me feel my misery on that day, when I was preparing to recite a panegyric of the Emperor, where in I was to utter many a lie, and lying, was to be applauded by those who knew I lied, and my heart was panting with these anxieties, and boiling with the feverishness of consuming thoughts. For, passing through one of the streets of Milan, I observed a poor beggar, then, I suppose, with a full belly, joking and joyous: and I sighed, and spoke to the friends around me, of the many sorrows of our frenzies; for that by all such efforts of ours, as those where in I then toiled dragging along, under the goading of desire, the burthen of my own wretchedness, and, by dragging, augmenting it, we yet looked to arrive only at that very joyousness whither that beggar-man had arrived before us, who should never perchance attain it. For what he had obtained by means of a few begged pence, the same was I plotting for by many a toilsome turning and winding; the joy of a temporary felicity. For he verily had not the true joy; but yet I with those my ambitious designs was seeking one much less true. And certainly he was joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I full of fears. But should any ask me, had I rather be merry or fearful? I would answer merry. Again, if he asked had I rather be such as he was, or what I then was? I should choose to be myself, though worn with cares and fears; but out of wrong judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought not to prefer myself to him, because more learned than he, seeing I had no joy there in, but sought to please men by it; and that not to instruct, but simply to please. Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones with the staff of Thy correction.

我的灵魂是多么可怜！你刺它的创伤，使它抛弃一切而转向超越万有、万有赖以存在的你，希望它转向你而得到痊愈。我是多么可怜！你采取什么办法促使我感觉到处境的可怜呢？这是在我准备朗诵一篇歌颂皇帝的文章的那一天。文中说了许多谎言，而这些谎言会获得知音的激赏。这时我的心惦念着这件事，燃烧着狂热的思想。我走过米兰某一条街道时，看见一个贫窭的乞丐，大概喝饱了酒，欣欣然自得其乐。我不禁叹息着对同行的几个朋友说起，我们醉生梦死带来了多少痛苦，在欲望的刺激下费尽心机作出许多努力，而所背负的不幸的包袱却越来越沉重的压在我身上，我们所求的不过是安稳的快乐，这乞丐却已先我而得，而我们还可能终无所获。这个乞丐花得几文钱，便获得当前的满足，而我正在艰辛困顿中百般追寻。果然他所得的快乐并非真正的快乐，可是我所贪求的比这更属渺茫。总之他是兴高采烈，我是神情颓丧，他是无忧无虑，我是顾虑重重。如果有人问我：“你愿意快乐呢，还是愿意忧患？”当然我回答说：“愿意快乐。”如果再问我：“你愿意和那个乞丐一样，还是像你现在这样？”我却仍愿在徊徨疑虑中与我周旋。这是由于错误的偏见，并非由于真理。因我不应自以为学问富裕而比他优越，我的学问并不给我快乐，不过是取悦于他人的一套伎俩，不是为教育人们，只是讨人们的欢喜。为此，你要用纪律的杖“打碎我的骸骨”[8]。

Away with those then from my soul who say to her, "It makes a difference whence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness; Thou desiredst to joy in glory." What glory, Lord? That which is not in Thee. For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and it overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his drunkenness; but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to sleep again, and again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God, knowest. But "it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is." I know it, and the joy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity. Yea, and so was he then beyond me: for he verily was the happier; not only for that he was thoroughly drenched in mirth, I disembowelled with cares: but he, by fair wishes, had gotten wine; I, by lying, was seeking for empty, swelling praise.

如果有人对我的灵魂说：“关键在乎快乐的趣向。乞丐之乐，志在酣醉、你则志在光荣。”希望我的灵魂避开这样的人。主啊，所谓光荣，是什么光荣？并不是在你怀中的光荣。所谓快乐，并非真正的快乐，这光荣也不是真正的光荣，只会更扰乱我的精神。那一夜，乞丐醺醺熟睡，我则带着我沉醉的心情而入睡，睡而又起，起而再睡。你知道，多少天在这般情况下过去了！的确，关键在乎快乐的趣向，我知道神圣的希望所带来的快乐，和这种虚空的快乐有天壤之别。但在当时，我们两人也有差别，无疑地他是更幸福，不仅因为他是一团高兴，我是满怀愁绪，而且他是祝福别人幸福而获得了酒，我是用谎言去追求虚名。

Much to this purpose said I then to my friends: and I often marked in them how it fared with me; and I found it went ill with me, and grieved, and doubled that very ill; and if any prosperity smiled on me, I was loth to catch at it, for almost before I could grasp it, it flew away.

那天，我在这一方面对朋友们说了很多话，而且遇到类似的情况，我往往反省自身的处境，看到生活的不协而使我感觉痛心，倍增我的苦闷，遇到幸运的机会，我也懒于伸手，因为机会我掌握之前，便已飞跃而去了。