忏悔录 Confessions | BookⅦ Chapter5 一片神光

BookⅦ Chapter5

一片神光

And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become my Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as it was), above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable. Not this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of this should be manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all space. Not such was this light, but other, yea, far other from these. Nor was it above my soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above earth: but above to my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because I was made by It. He that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; and he that knows It, knows eternity. Love knoweth it.

你指示我反求诸己，我在你引导下进入我的心灵，我所以能如此，是由于“你已成为我的助力”。我进入心灵后，我用我灵魂的眼睛——虽然还是很模糊的——瞻望着在我灵魂的眼睛之上的、在我思想之上的永定之光。这光，不是肉眼可见的、普通的光，也不是同一类型而比较强烈的、发射更清晰的光芒普照四方的光。不，这光并不是如此的，完全是另一种光明。这光在我思想上，也不似油浮于水，天复于地；这光在我之上，因为它创造了我，我在其下，因为我是它创造的。谁认识真理，即认识这光；谁认识这光，也就认识永恒。惟有爱能认识它。

O Truth Who art Eternity! and Love Who art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art my God, to Thee do I sigh night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou liftedst me up, that I might see there was what I might see, and that I was not yet such as to see. And Thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight, streaming forth Thy beams of light upon me most strongly, and I trembled with love and awe: and I perceived myself to be far from Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Thy voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, and thou shalt feed upon Me; nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of thy flesh into thee, but thou shalt be converted into Me."

永恒的真理，真正的爱，可爱的永恒，你是我的上帝，我日夜渴慕着你。我认识你以后，你就提升我，使我看到我应见而尚未能看见的东西。你用强烈的光芒照灼我昏沉的眼睛，我且爱且惧，屏营战栗，我发觉我是远离了你飘流异地，似乎听到你发自天际的声音对我说： “我是强者的灵粮；你信，以我饮食。可是我不像你肉体的粮，你吃了灵粮，不会使我同于你，而是你将合于我。”

And I learned, that Thou for iniquity chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider. And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me from afar: "Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live than that Truth is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those things which are made.

我认识到“你是按照人的罪恶而纠正一人，你使我的灵魂干枯，犹如蛛丝”。[21]我问道：“既然真理不散布于有限的空间，也不散布于无限的空间，真理不过是虚空吗？”你远远答复我说：“我是自有的”。[22]我听了心领神会，已绝无怀疑的理由，如果我再生疑虑，我就更容易怀疑我自己是否存在，而不会怀疑“凭受造之物而辨识的”[23]真理是否存在。

And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, since Thou standest not in need of my goodness.

我观察在你宝座下的万物，我以为它们既不是绝对“有”，也不是绝对“无”；它们是 “有”，因为它们来自你，它们是“无”，因为它们不是“自有”的。因为真正的 “有”，是常在不变的有。“亲近上帝，对我有益”，[24]因为如果我不在上帝之内，我也不能在我之内。而你在自己“且常在不变而更新万物”，“你是我的主，因而你并不需要我的所有”。[25]

And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they were good could he corrupted: For if sovereignly good, they were incorruptible, if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be corrupted. For corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it could not injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; or which is most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. But if they he deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they shall be, and can now no longer he corrupted, they shall be better than before, because they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good? Therefore, if they shall be deprived of all good, they shall no longer be. So long therefore as they are, they are good: therefore what so ever is, is good. That evil then which I sought, whence it is, is not any substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good: or a corruptible substance; which unless it were good, could not be corrupted.

我已清楚看出，一切可以朽坏的东西，都是“善”的；惟有“至善”，不能朽坏，也惟有“善”的东西，才能朽坏，因为如果是至善，则是不能朽坏，但如果没有丝毫“善”的成分，便也没有可以朽坏之处。因为朽坏是一种损害，假使不与善为敌，则亦不成其为害了。因此，或以为朽坏并非有害的，这违反事实；或以为一切事物的朽坏，是在砍削善的成分：这毫无疑问的事实。如果一物丧失了所有的“善”，便不再存在。因为如果依然存在的话，则不能再朽坏，这样，不是比以前更善吗？若说一物丧失了所有的善，因之进而至于更善，则还有什么比这论点更荒谬呢？因此，任何事物丧失了所有的善，便不再存在。事物如果存在，自有其善的成分。因此，凡存在的事物，都是善的；至于“恶”，我所追究其来源的恶，并不是实体；因为如是实体，即是善；如是不能朽坏的实体，则是至善；如是能朽坏的实体，则必是善的，否则便不能朽坏。

I perceived therefore, and it was manifested to me that Thou madest all things good, nor is there any substance at all, which Thou madest not; and for that Thou madest not all things equal, therefore are all things; because each is good, and altogether very good, because our God made all things very good.

我认识到，清楚认识到你所创造的一切，都是好的，而且没有一个实体不是你创造的。可是你所创造的万物，并非都是相同的，因此万物分别看，都是好的，而总的看来，则更为美好，因为我们的天主所创造的，“一切都很美好”。[26]

And to Thee is nothing what so ever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also to Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may break in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in the parts there of some things, because unharmonising with other some, are accounted evil: where as those very things harmonise with others, and are good; and in themselves are good. And all these things which harmonise not together, do yet with the inferior part, which we call Earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be it then that I should say, "These things should not be": for should I see nought but these, I should indeed long for the better; but still must even for these alone praise Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, do show from the earth, dragons, and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy word; mountains, and all hills, fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, and all cattle, creeping things, and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and all people, princes, and all judges of the earth; young men and maidens, old men and young, praise Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise Thee, praise Thee, our God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, sun and moon, all the stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the waters that be above the heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for things better, because I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I apprehended that the things above were better than these below, but altogether better than those above by themselves.

对于你上帝，绝对谈不到恶；不仅对于你，对于你所创造的万物也如此，因为在你所造的万有之外，没有一物能侵犯、破坏你所定的秩序。只是万物各部分之间，有的彼此不相协调，使人认为不好，可是这些部分与另一些部分相协，便就是好，而部分本身也并无不好。况且一切不相协调的部分则与负载万物的地相配合，而地又和上面风云来去的青天相配合。因此我们决不能说：“如果没有这些东西多么好！”因为单看这些东西，可能希望更好的东西，但即使仅仅着眼于这些东西，我已经应该称颂你了，因为一切都在赞颂你，“地上所有的蛟龙与海洋，火与雹，雪与冰，遵行你的命令的狂风，山岳与诸丘，果树与诸香柏，野兽与众牲畜，爬虫与飞鸟，人君与万民，首长与诸执法，少年与处女，老人与孩童都在赞颂” [27]你的圣名。况且天上也在歌颂你、我们的上帝：“你的天使，你的军旅，太阳月亮，发光的星辰，天上之天与天上之水”，[28]都在赞颂你的圣名。我不再希望更好的东西了，因为我综观万有之后，虽然看到在上的一切优于在下的一切，但我更进一步的了悟，又看出整个万有尤胜于在上的一切。

There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: as neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And because my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not account that Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the opinion of two substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And returning thence, it had made to itself a God, through infinite measures of all space; and thought it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; and had again become the temple of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But after Thou hadst soothed my head, unknown to me, and closed mine eyes that they should not behold vanity, I ceased somewhat of my former self, and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee infinite, but in another way, and this sight was not derived from the flesh.

谁不欢喜某一部分受造物，便是缺乏健全的理智，而我过去就是如此，因为在你所创造的万物中，有许多使我厌恶。可是我的灵魂，因为不敢对我的上帝有所不满，便不肯把厌恶的东西视为同出你手，虽不免趋向两种实体的说法，但这也不能使我灵魂安定，因为它只能拾取别人的唾余。等到我回头之后，又为我自己塑造了一个充满无限空间的神，以为这神即是你，把这神像供养在我心中，我的灵魂又成为我自己雕塑的，而为你所唾弃的偶像的庙宇。但你在我不知不觉之中，抚摸我的头脑，合上我的眼睛，不让我的视觉投入虚幻，我便有些昏沉，我的狂热已使我萎靡了；及至苏醒后，便看见了无可限量的上帝，迥异于过去的所见，这已不是出于肉体的视力。

And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being to Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as being in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand in Thy Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any falsehood, unless when that is thought to be, which is not.

我再看其他种种，我觉它们都因你而存在，都限制于你的本体之内，但这种限制不在乎空间，而在于另一种方式之下；你用真理掌握着一切，一切以存在而论、都是真实；如以不存在为存在，才是错误。

And I saw that all things did harmonise, not with their places only, but with their seasons. And that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to work after innumerable spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of times, both which have passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor come, but through Thee, working and abiding.

我又看出每种东西不仅各得其所，亦复各得其时；惟有你是永恒的存在，你的行动不是开始于无量数时间之后，因为无论过去未来的一切时间，如果没有你的行动，不因你的存在，这时间便不会去，也不会来。

And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to sore eyes light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of Thy Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, by how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how much they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, and found it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned aside from Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and casting out its bowels, and puffed up outwardly.

我从经验体验到同样的面包，健康时食之可口，抱病时食之无味；良目爱光亮，而病眼则有羞明之苦；这是不足为奇的。你的正义尚且遭到恶人的憎恨，何况你所造的毒蛇昆虫了，毒蛇昆虫本身也是好的，适合于受造物的下层。恶人越和你差异，便越趋向下流；越和你接近，便越适应上层受造物。我探究恶究竟是什么，我发现恶并非实体，而是败坏的意志叛离了最高的本体，即是叛离了你上帝，而自趋于下流，是“委弃自己的肺腑”，[29]而表面膨胀。

And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And yet did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even Thy eternal power and God head. For examining whence it was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, "This ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that I so judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind.

我诧异我自己已经爱上了你，不再钟情于那些冒充你的幻像了；但我还不能一心享受上帝，我被你的美好所吸引，可是我自身的重累很快又拖我下坠，我便在呻吟中堕落：这重累即是我肉体的污秽。但对于你，我总记着，我已绝不怀疑我应该归向于你，可惜我还不能做到和你契合，“这个腐朽的躯壳重重压着我的灵魂，这一所由泥土捏成的居室压制着腐朽的思想”。[30]我确切了悟“你的永能和你的神性并非肉眼所能看见，但观之于天地万物之中，自能决然辨识”。[31]我研求着将根据什么来衡量天地万物的美好，如何能使我对可变的事物作出标准的评价，确定说：“这应该如此，那不应如此”；我又研究着我根据什么下这样的断语的，我发现在我变换不定的思想之上，自有永恒不变的真理。

And thus by degrees I passed from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses perceives; and thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses represent things external, whither to reach the faculties of beasts; and thence again to the reasoning faculty, to which what is received from the senses of the body is referred to be judged. Which finding itself also to be in me a thing variable, raised itself up to its own understanding, and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit, withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms; so that it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed, when, without all doubting, it cried out, "That the unchangeable was to be preferred to the changeable"; whence also it knew That Unchangeable, which, unless it had in some way known, it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the changeable. And thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible things understood by the things which are made. But I could not fix my gaze there on; and my infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my wonted habits, carrying along with me only a loving memory there of, and a longing for what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not yet able to feed on.

这样我逐步上升，从肉体到达凭借肉体而感觉的灵魂，进而是灵魂接受器官传递外来印象的内在力量，也是无灵动物所具有的最高洞察力。更进一步，便是辨别器官所获印象的判断力；但这判断力也自认变换不定。因此即达到理性本身，智慧从习惯的奴役中解放我的思想，摆脱了彼此矛盾的种种想像，找寻到理性所能毫不迟疑的肯定不变优于可变，是受那一种光明的照耀——因为除非对于不变有一些认识，否则不会肯定不变优于可变的——最后在惊心动魄的一瞥中，得见“存在本体”。这时我才懂得“你形而上的神性，如何能凭所造之物而辨认看见”，[32]但我无力凝眸直视，不能不退回到原来的境界，仅仅保留着向往爱恋的心情，犹如对于无法染指的佳肴，只能歆享而已。