美国确诊高达188172例！崔娃细数特朗普的抗疫奇葩操作！（附视频&解说稿）

截至美国东部时间3月31日20时（北京时间4月1日8时），美国新冠肺炎确诊病例升至188172例，死亡3873例，其中纽约州确诊病例和死亡病例数量最多。此外，该大学统计的数据显示，全球累计新冠肺炎确诊病例数超过85万例，死亡病例数超过4万例。

随着疫情在全美的快速扩散，美国弗吉尼亚州州长拉夫尔·诺瑟姆30日下午颁布“居家隔离令”，除非工作、看医生、采购、户外锻炼等必要出行，应尽可能待在家。据统计，目前有至少29个州和华盛顿哥伦比亚特区发布了类似的“居家隔离令”。

3月30日晚些时候，美国知名支持人崔娃第8次更新了居家隔离秀，这一次一开始还是聊了聊最近的全球疫情，美国确诊病例数最高，意大利和西班牙的死亡人数最高，很多大城市都封锁了，英国首相鲍里斯新冠检测呈阳性，希望新冠病毒“脱鲍”成功...

接着崔娃推荐了一部网飞新出的纪录片《养虎为患》，说主人公乔·野生有当大统领的潜质，因为他和特朗普有共同点：自以为是，做事没条理，疑神疑鬼，把自己当专家。并且细数川·普在抗疫期间的骚操作：觉得疫情简报会收视率高是因为自己，颁布的命令出尔反尔，威胁州长，怀疑议员借机囤积物资，在简报会上一本正经胡说八道...

Hey, everybody. Trevor Noah here with another episode of The Daily Distancing Show. Thank you so much for tuning in. 

It is now week three of being stuck in the house, as you can tell, and I hope you are having a good weekend. I hope you had a good weekend. Although, let's be honest-- these days, weekends, weekdays is pretty much the same thing. 

Like, if you're stuck in the house every single day, I-I don't know even know what the difference is. I guess, during the week, you sit in one part of the chair, and then on the weekend, you just move to a different spot. Get this... work done. Oh! Finally! The week is over. 

It's the weekend, baby! Anyway, tonight, we're going to catch up on all the latest coronavirus news. Boris Johnson tests positive, Jaboukie Young-White searches for a vaccine, and a new career plan for the Tiger King. Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show. Let's do this. 

ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world, this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah! All right. Let's kick things off with the latest global update. There are now over 700,000 confirmed coronavirus infections around the world, with the United States now reporting the highest number of cases, while Italy and Spain are reporting the highest fatalities per day. 

And as the threat has grown, more and more countries are starting to take this thing more seriously. For instance, the largest city in Africa, Lagos, in Nigeria, is now in lockdown. And in Russia, they've put Moscow in lockdown, as well. And let me tell you something, my friends. 

When Russians are scared of something, then you know it's serious. Russian people's daily lives look like an episode of Fear Factor. : "What will I do today? "Drink fermented bread juice or wrestle bear? Either way, it's going to be a good Saturday." So this is a very scary time to be in Russia. I mean, second only to all the other times to be in Russia. Meanwhile over in Great Britain, prime minister and ghost-who-has-just-seen-a-ghost 

Also, it's interesting to learn that coronavirus doesn't just infect humans. It can also infect Shreks. But enough about Boris. Enough about Boris. Let's move to the big story, the only story that everybody's talking about right now-- Tiger King. It's the new Netflix series that is somehow even more viral than Covid-19. And if you haven't watched this show, I'm telling you now, you are wasting your life. 

Seriously, as soon as you're done with this, as soon as you're done watching The Daily Show, go and watch Tiger King. You will thank me tomorrow. It's the most fascinating show you've ever seen. It exposes the horrible world of exotic animal breeding in America-- specifically, like, tigers and lions-- and also, it answers the question, what would happen if meth smoked itself? And let me tell you something. 

After binging all seven episodes this weekend, I've realized a couple of things. One: this is what happens when white people have no black friends. And two: Joe Exotic is not only one of the weirdest people you will ever meet in your life. He could also be president of the United States. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I can hear you. "How can you say that president..." But hear me out. Hear me out. 

This man has all of the character traits of a commander in chief. Everything. Like, for instance, one thing you notice about Joe Exotic is that he makes everything about him. "It's all about me!" Which, apparently, is very presidential. 

MAN: In his news conference yesterday, the president discussed a story in the New York Times that says his coronavirus task force briefings get high TV ratings. Even they said that the ratings are like Monday Night Football ratings, and that these are like Bachelor finale. 

MAN 2: Now that the relief package has passed, the Wall Street Journal is reporting this. "Mr. Trump has told people he wants his signature to appear "on the direct payment checks that go out to many Americans in the coming weeks." 

President Trump is firing back at governors who have been critical of the administration's response to the pandemic, even telling the vice president that if they aren't appreciative, don't even bother reaching out. I want them to be appreciative. I say, "Mike, don't call the governor of Washington. "You're wasting your time with him. Don't call the woman in Michigan." Most... 

It doesn't make any difference what happens. If they don't treat you right, I don't call. Wow. Okay. Uh, firstly, the ratings aren't high because of Trump. People are watching TV because of the virus. That's why they're watching the briefings. This would be like the guy on Friends who owns the coffee shop taking credit for the success of the show. "You know, it was all because of my lattes, you know. That's why people watched." 

No, you just happened to be there, dude. Secondly, Trump wasn't even involved in the negotiations for the relief package, and now, he wants the credit. This is the classic deadbeat dad technique, yeah? Just trying to put his name on a gift at the last minute. And lastly, I can't believe that Trump is threatening, actually threatening not to help governors of certain states because he feels that they're not being nice to him. Let me tell you something. 

A crisis is not a time for manners, all right? People need to get lifesaving equipment. Can you imagine a doctor in an emergency room being like, "I'm sorry, ma'am. Your husband didn't make it. "I mean, I could have saved him, but he, uh, just didn't say the magic word." "He was in a coma!" "Yeah, manners are manners, ma'am." So, being obsessed with yourself-- very presidential. 

But also, if you watched Tiger King, you would know that Joe Exotic is the most disorganized person you will ever meet. And when it comes to coronavirus, Trump is exactly the same. 

On Sunday, President Trump again resisted invoking the Defense Production Act, wartime authority to mobilize industries. Call a person over in Venezuela. Ask 'em, how did nationalization of their businesses work out. Not too well. After days of uncertainty, the president has now actually invoked what's called "the Defense Production Act." President Trump says that he is now considering federally enforced quarantines for hot spots like New York and other states. 

WOMAN 2: President Trump tweeting overnight that a federally-enforced quarantine of the region "will not be necessary." President Trump wants to reopen the country by Easter Sunday. President Trump now calling for more social distancing than ever, firmly backing away from his earlier suggestion that parts of the country could reopen by Easter. Goddamn, man. 

Trump is flip-flopping so much, if the Olympics weren't cancelled, he'd be competing against Simone Biles. 'Cause what was that? Huh? And you know who this really sucks for, is Donald Trump supporters. I feel so sad for them. Imagine how hard it is for them to keep up. 

Trump is changing his mind all the time. They have to support him no matter what he says. Huh? They're just out there like, "If you force companies to make things, "you're turning America into Venezuela! "What? Trump did it? "It's a good thing to become Venezuela, "'cause they've got great weather. I-I think?" Here's another reason I think Joe Exotic has what it takes to be the President of the United States. 

He sees conspiracies everywhere. NEWSMAN: With medical equipment becoming scarce at many hospitals, President Trump is now accusing hospitals of hoarding ventilators. TRUMP: I don't believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators. You know, you go into major hospitals, sometimes they'll have two ventilators, and now all of a sudden they're saying, "Can we order 30,000 ventilators?" Yeah. 

Trump has a good point. All of a sudden-- all of a sudden?-- hospitals need way more ventilators than usual. What's that about? Huh? It's the same way I've noticed that sometimes... people on the street have a lot of umbrellas, and then sometimes... nobody has an umbrella. 

Something isn't adding up here. Anyway, Joe Exotic. Why is he the man for the job? He's self-absorbed. He's disorganized. He's obsessed with conspiracies. But maybe the most presidential thing about Joe Exotic is that he loves portraying himself as an expert in his field. When the truth is, he has no idea what he's talking about. He's just winging it. Which, uh, again, should feel very familiar. 

The young people are really-- it's an incredible phenomenon-- but they are attacked, successfully attacked, to a much lesser extent by this pandemic, by this, uh, disease. Um, this, uh, whatever they want to call it. You can call it a germ, you can call it a flu, you can call it a virus-- you know, you can call it many different names. I'm not sure anybody even knows what it is. : I'm sorry, what? What-what the hell was that? "You could call it a germ. You can call..." It sounded like Trump was introducing somebody who won a lifetime achievement award. 

Some call him a germ. Some call him a virus. I just call him my good friend. Ladies and gentlemen, Corona. Come on up, Corona. What a great guy. Look, there are a lot of questions about coronavirus. All right? How to stop it, how it spreads, et cetera. But one thing that's not up for debate is what it is. It's a virus, okay? I don't know why Trump is creating a mystery where there is none. Like, he might be a bad president, but it turns out he'd be an even worse detective. They'd just be like, "Damn it, you caught me red-handed! I've killed this man."

 "So the question now is, who killed this man?" "Well, it was... it was me. I-I confessed, I killed him." 

 "I guess this mystery will never be solved." So look... I know Joe Exotic is in prison right now, but if he somehow manages to get out... I'm hoping that he becomes the President of the United States. 

Because yes, yes, he might be just as crazy as Trump, but at least if he's in the White House, we're gonna see tigers. Well, that's our show for today. But before we go, as everyone except the president knows by now, doctors, nurses, and first responders around the country are struggling to get the masks, gloves, and gowns that they so desperately need to protect themselves. 

These are people on the front line. They're fighting in this war, and they're going to battle for us unprotected. Right? So we're asking you on the The Daily Show to please go to Thrive Global's First Responders First and donate whatever you can to help get PPE to the people who are saving lives. 

And if you want to help in New York City specifically, then you can go to New York Mayor's Fund Covid-19 response and help them out. Stay safe out there. Wash your hands. Don't take candy from strangers or family. And I'll see you again tomorrow.