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Kwasi Enin是去年全美家喻户晓的高考状元——他在2013年度的申请中获得了8所常青藤学校的全部录取。这个纽约高中生是怎么做到的？
《纽约邮报》找到了Kwasi申请时的第四稿申请文书，特写小编特邀哥伦比亚大学新闻系专业毕业导师逐段分析他的申请文书有何过人之处！
A wrong decision can be thebeginning or end to a lifestyle. In the seventh grade, I nearly ended my musiccareer by opting to select a simple course - Music in Our Lives- that met the state music requirement. But this decision would have leftme empty. With the help of Ms. Brown, my then orchestra teacher, I was able tonot only meet the basic requirement, but also continue the beginning of mymusical journey. I am now a violist who has joyously played for nine years. I also now take Music in My Life. It is the first self–taught and longest course I have ever taken.
开头段：
*找到一个有实际意义与比喻意义的意象。比如这个开头里，K童鞋找到的意象是音乐。从现实的音乐课程“Music in our lives”到类喻的“Music in my life”，伏笔已经埋好。在后面的每一个段落里，实际意义的音乐与比喻意义的音乐，一直交叉出现。
*不经意的冷艳。把握一条原则，申请的文书需要“让全世界知道你的低调”。在这个开头里，在一堆抒情里，K童鞋不经意地提到自己是一个有9年演奏经验的小提琴家。
*讨喜的性格。初读第一段，你会感觉K童鞋是个很实在的哥们，不像大部分美国同学那样过度自我表现，反而表达了对Ms.Brown老师的感恩。
Music has become the spark of my intellectual curiosity. Idirectly developed my capacity to think creatively around problems due to theinfinite possibilities in music. There are millions of combinations of key signatures, chords, melodies,and rhythms in the world of music that wait to become attached to a sheet ofstaff lines and spaces. As I began to explore a minute fraction of thesecombinations from the third grade onwards, my mind began to formulate roundabout methods to solveany mathematical problem, address any literature prompt, and discover any exitin an undesirable situation. In middle school, my mind also started tobecome adept in the language of music. Playing the works of differentcomposers, such as Kol Nidrei by Max Bruch and Coriolan Overture by Ludwig Van Beethoven, expands my diversemusical vocabulary, my breadth of techniques and my ability to practice inorder to succeed in solo performances.
第二段：
*击中招生官心里盼望的关键词。注意K童鞋在第二段开头的一上来就摆出“Intellectualcuriosity”（智识上的好奇心），不得不说非常了解录取之道。好奇心，意味着求知欲，意味着学习潜力，这是所有常青藤学校都在找的人。
*有趣的类比。记得第一段K童鞋谈到音乐的实际意义和比喻意义吗？这里又来了。在音乐的世界里，需要将音调、和弦、音律与节奏和谐地组合，而在学术世界面对数学难题、文学问题，以及各种难关，也需要寻找类似的迂回策略。这对精彩的对照，恰是“intellectual curiosity”的有力注脚。
*用细节提高可信度。Kol Nidrei by Max Bruch，Coriolan Overture by Ludwig Van Beethoven，通过列举名家作品，即可以进一步看出他在音乐上的造诣。反观多数中国同学文章，喜欢用creative, good, excellent等简单的形容词自吹自擂，反而难以达到吹嘘效果。
Music has also become the medium formy roles in the community.Whileonstage as Big Jule of Guys and Dolls during my favorite musical, I helped create a wonderfulatmosphere in the school auditorium by singing and dancing. Whenever I perform,whether as a bassist in Men's Doo Wop Group or as a violist in Chamber Ensemble, I become immersed inthe conversations between performers and the audience. As I become lost inthese conversations, I create blissful memories in which I am truly part of mycommunity's culture - and eventually its history. I would not have theadmiration of my teachers and friends if I had not let the charisma of musicpersuade me to become a performer in my school, town, and state.
*再度击中关键词—“community”（社区）。都说美国是个崇尚个人主义（individualism）的国度，这固然是事实。可是你也再找不大第二个像美国一样重视社区服务与集体精神的国家。纵观美国大学申请文书库，你会发现很多学校都在问申请者能为它们的社区做什么贡献。此处K童鞋通过自己的表演经历，告诉招生官：我在我们学校、我们市里，乃至我们州都表演过！我在的社区里留下了历史印记！
Lastly, music has become the educator that has taught me the importance of leadership, teamwork and friendship. It has taughtme the importance of order and balance. When I lead a group, I know how strongthat group can be if every member puts one hundred percent effort into ourtask. Leadership is notalways about directing others. The most important task of a leader is to createharmony between each member of the group, which reveals the group's maximum potential. With improvement and balance comes success, and music taught me all of these virtues. The bonds that I have made throughout my school years endure through stress. These powerful bonds came to be because my friends and I endured against the adversity found in high level pieces of musical literature.I thank my teachers, viola and voice for creating the environments thatnurtured these friendships and learning experiences.
*此段谈及关键词“leadership”（领导力）。但是K童鞋用音乐这个媒介去传达这个大俗套的概念时，颇显清新。当他说到“领导力不一定意味着领导别人，而是创造集体的和谐，使得集体焕发最大的潜力”时，你是不是眼角隐隐有泪光? 这是孔教上身的节奏啊。这么东方的哲学，居然在大洋彼岸的一位黑人兄弟身上应验了，每天被“aggressiveness”缠绕的招生官能不感动吗？
My haven for solace in and away from home is in the world of composers, harmonies and possibilities. My musical haven has shaped my character and without it my lifewould not be half as wonderful as it is today. It was a wise decision to turndown Music in Our Lives. The self-guided journey known as Music in My Lifeexcites my mind every day. Myheart sings every day because the journey already is wonderful. Although I hopethat my future career is in medicine, I love that I still have much to learn 1about and from the world of music.
*结尾呼应开头。每个人在阅读时都有一种对完满的期待。如果在结尾看到对开头的呼应，这种期待就能得到满足。K童鞋的结尾不过不失，把前文踏踏实实地总结了一遍，踏踏实实地结束了这篇申请文章。
总结：
当笔者第一次读这篇申请文书时，实则感觉非常一般。如果不是铺天盖地的报道，和8名常青藤录取的成绩摆在面前，实在不会有太深刻的印象。可以放心的说，大部分中国申请者，只要经过一些训练，写到这个档次并不会特别难。
见字如晤。再读几遍文章，你确实能感受到这篇文章表现出来的朴拙、踏实、完整，如果你再看到Kwasi Enin童鞋憨厚的笑，你会发现这篇文章最大的成功是将一个真实的申请者还原在了纸上。你又能发现申请文书的另一层密码：文字必须能体现人物。这也是为什么有时过度的修改、矫饰反而不能达到效果的原因。
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7.20日，ZoomIn特写将会举办一场美国本科申请文书公开课。公开课中会进行文书题材头脑风暴以及现场写作与点评。回复姓名及手机号至公众号即可报名。
主讲人：顾卉妮
-ZoomIn特写创始人 专职从事强调综合能力提升的留学辅导
-哥伦比亚大学新闻系硕士
-曾供职于《纽约时报》《南华早报》等知名媒体
-上海外语频道ICS留学类专题节目《海外路路通》特邀留学专家
活动时间：7月20日14:00-17:00
活动地点：上海市徐汇区长乐路339弄20号
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ZoomIn|特写 是国内首家专注申请写作辅导与新闻传媒院校申请的专业机构，旗下设有“ZoomIn”与“特写”两个子板块：
ZoomIn——为新传学习者及从业人员提供有针对性的专业培训与海外院校申请辅导
特写——为计划入读海外本科的同学提供写作、面试等软实力提升项目为核心的全流程申请指导
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