图记西雅图-10

一般游行下午开始。今天有好几队游行，集中在市中心西湖广场。晚上7点多，另一个抗议团体游行前往西雅图警察局西区分局（CHOP他们占领的是东区分局），警察局前面的维吉尼亚街上设置了一系列金属路障，阻止示威者走到建筑物前部。当他们聚集在外面时，可以看到站在大厅的警官走到另外一个看不见房间里。抗议者站在10点多才离开。一个组织者建议以后每天下午6：30过来西区警局示威游行。以下图片选自Seattle Times和他们的合作报社路透社等。

和西雅图市长谈判的社区领导人

抗议者驱逐一名男子，因为他在自称为国会山自治区（CHAZ）的一场抗议种族不平等的抗议活动中打扰其他示威者，并要求在周六将西雅图警方拒之门外

致西雅图及周边地区的人们，还有我的朋友们。今天你们失去了一个好警察。

我从很多亲警察和反警察的朋友听到他们说我是“好人之一”，他们希望所有的警官都像我一样。他们认为我拥有公平、善良、谅解、博爱的品质，是一个好人。我还是那个人，但是我的心已不再那样想了。

我和一群很棒的人一起工作，这些人是响应呼唤来从事警察工作的。他们响应的是人们的呼唤。每当听到有人被枪击、刺伤强奸和抢劫时，警官们响应这些呼唤，竭尽全力保护生命和财产，并将自己置于暴力和受害者之间，甚至承担这些创伤。他们常常反思过去的失败，并致力于纠正过去的错误，并为实现更美好的未来而努力。他们认识到自己的偏见和错误，并尝试了解他人，从而做到更加公平、关怀和谅解。他们对乔治·弗洛伊德（George Floyd）的残酷谋杀像公众一样感到厌恶和沮丧，并希望伸张正义。他们指责那些（杀人）警察的行为，要求他们离开警局，受到指控。曾经有那么一段时间，我觉得自己看到了希望，希望它能带来美丽和美好。但在过去的一周中，这种希望已经消失了。

我全心支持警察改革，我支持警察承担更多责任（Police Accountability，指对过度执法负责），我全力支持确保所有人的正义。我所在的西雅图警察局在所有这方面在全美国都是表率。在过去的几年中，我参加了很多社区会议，着重认识了我所在地区的人们（主要是少数族裔社区），并与其他社会机构一起工作，提高了我们的效率，即使在人们需要的帮助超出我的训练范围时也能得到更好的结果。但是最近两周发生的事情向我展示了这并不重要。（过去几年中西雅图警察的）进步被完全无视。没有人讨论问题。希望团结一致解决问题的提案被驳回。

过去两周内，我每天工作12-16小时，竭尽全力保护人民的生命和财产安全，并确保那些想要游行并让别人听到自己声音的人能够做到这一点。但是，即使像过去一样，警官们只是在保护游行和路人，封锁住路口时，就遭到侮辱，死亡威胁以及石块、冷冻水瓶、啤酒瓶、爆竹、易燃物质和炸药的袭击。我听到（游行的）白人把我的黑人同事称为叛徒、汤姆斯叔叔和黑鬼（N-word），我听到其他少数族裔警官遭到污蔑，被挑出来羞辱。这些警官我都认识，他们是我的朋友，他们加入警察队伍，希望有所作为并带来改变– 他们（和少数族裔）由于有共同的背景，成为警方直接与少数族裔沟通的桥梁。（这些对少数族裔警官的攻击和侮辱）让我感到恶心，为他们感到难过。

我可以接受被侮辱和威胁。我知道人们对发生的事情感到气愤，我也是。但这一次告诉我，西雅图不希望我存在。尽管我们（西雅图警察局）无论是个人还是部门都采取了数不清的措施，努力进步，但最终这都无关紧要。不存在沟通对话的机会，人们对我这边的任何人所说的任何话都不感兴趣。而我在倾听抗议者在说什么，倾听他们的伤痕，花了很多时间去思考，尝试至少部分理解并牢记它。

我完全不觉得西雅图（this community，这个社区，指代西雅图市）需要我或我周围任何警察。西雅图似乎认为，没有执勤的警察，不再有人接听求助电话，这座城市和地区会更好。在警官们遭到枪击、袭击、受伤时，我曾站在他们旁边。我曾经抱着生命垂危的人，竭尽全力帮助他抗击死亡，他却死在我怀里。我听到过人们发现亲人不会再回家时的哭喊，我曾经抱着受害者，听他一边哭泣一边问我“为什么？”。我感到无助，为什么他们或他们的家人发生这种情况，我回答不了。

我曾从事故现场拉出过损毁的尸体。我曾在黑暗中追逐持枪歹徒、杀人犯和强盗。我曾被人开枪射击，被人用枪指着，被威胁要杀死我的同时试图抢我的枪。我参加过为试图拯救家庭暴力和抢劫受害者而被杀害的警察的葬礼。我曾回到家中，因为我无法挽救生命而在哭泣中入睡。然后第二天我起床，回去尝试做得更好，并以最高标准完成我的工作。我的同事们做得更多。因为我们在乎（人们的幸福），这些都在我们心里深处。尽管我们做了所有这些（牺牲和努力），（西雅图的）人们仍然认为我们是不被需要的。人们认为试图制止犯罪的我们比伤害他人的罪犯还要糟糕。不仅如此，我觉得如果我或其他警官被杀，这座城市不仅会无动于衷，他们甚至希望我们死。

这星期西雅图向我展示了这座城市的真实面目，我不知道应该如何面对这个事实，当我愿意牺牲自己生命来保护这座城市时，人们会抗议我的葬礼，为我的死亡欢呼。这让我考虑是否应该彻底离开，放弃为人们服务的想法，放弃帮助和保护人们。

因此，无论你站在哪边，都请考虑你的诉求带来的后果。因为在某个时候，即使最强壮的“好人”也可能走开。我还没到那一步，但是我已经接近了。我在祈祷继续前进的力量，我希望我能成为改变的一部分，但是我不知道我还剩下多少力量。我也不知道我的兄弟姐妹们还有多少力量。

（我目前还没有辞职。但是我正在认真地重新评估我未来的方向）

To the people and my friends of Seattle and the surrounding area. Today you lost a good one.

I have heard from many people, both pro-cop and anti-cop friends that I’m “one of the good ones” and they “wish all officers were like me.” That I’m fair, kind, understanding, loving, and a great guy. I am still that guy. But my heart is no longer in it. I work with an amazing group of people, people who got into this job as a calling. A calling to help people. Officers who when they hear people are being shot, stabbed, raped, robbed feel the call to try their best to protect life and property. And place themselves between the violent and the victim. And even take those wounds.. A department of people who recognize the past failures and have committed to try to correct the mistakes of the past and work towards a better future. Recognize their own biases and mistakes and learn about others to be more fair, caring, and understanding. Who were as disgusted and upset at the callous murder of George Floyd as the general public and wanted justice to be served. Officers who called out the actions of those officers and wanted them out and charged.

And for a moment, I had hope. Hope that something beautiful and good could come from it. In the last week, that hope has been extinguished. I am all about reform. I am all for accountability. And I am all about ensuring justice for all. And my department is a national leader in all of that. In the last years I’ve attended community meetings, made a point to get to know the people in the area I work (a largely minority community), and worked with people from other social agencies to improve our effectiveness and bring about better results when people need help beyond what I am trained to do.

I can take insults and threats. I understand people are angry about what happened, I am too. But this time has shown me that this area in general does not want me around. Despite numerous steps and advancements, personally and as a department, it mattered for nothing. There was no chance for connection and conversation. People were not interested in what anyone on my side of the line had to say. I heard what protesters where saying, heard their hurt, and spent a lot of time thinking about it, trying to at least partially understand and take it to heart.

But I legitimately don’t feel this community wants me or any other officers around. The community seems to feel this city and area would be better with no officers on duty, nobody willing to answer the calls for help.

I have stood next to officers while they were shot, attacked, injured. I have held people as they died in my arms, doing everything I could to try to fend off death. Heard the screams of people finding out their loved one was never coming home. Held people as they cried asking me “why?” Why did this happen to them or their family members and felt helpless because I had no answers. Pulled mangled bodies from accident scenes. Chased armed people, murders, and robbers through the dark. Been shot at, had people pull weapons on me or try to take my gun while threatening to kill me. Attended funerals for officers who were killed trying to save victims of domestic violence and robbery. I have gone home and cried myself to sleep at the lives I couldn’t save. And then got up the next day and gone back to try to do better and do this job to the highest standard. And I serve with officers who have done all that and more. Because we care, deep in our core.

But despite all of that it seems like we are not wanted. We are looked at as worse than the criminals we try to stop from harming people. And more than that, I feel as if this city would not just be indifferent if I or a fellow officer were killed, they want it. This week has shown me the city's true colors and I don’t know how to reckon with the fact that I could lose my life trying to protect a city that will protest my funeral and cheer when I'm laid in the ground. And it has made me consider leaving it all behind. Abandon my calling to serve, help, and protect. So no matter what side of anything you are on, please consider the ramifications of some of the things you are demanding. Because at some point even the strongest “good ones” may walk away. I am not there yet, but I am close. I am praying for the strength to continue. To be the change I want to see. But I don’t know how much more I have left. Or how much my brothers and sisters have left.

(To be clear, I have not quit. But I am seriously re-evaluating where I go from here)