忏悔录 Confessions | BOOK IX Chapter4 奥古斯丁在加西提亚根

BOOK IX Chapter4

奥古斯丁在加西提亚根

Now was the day come where in I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric Professorship, where of thought I was already freed. And it was done. Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa.

正式脱离雄辩术讲席的日子终于到了，虽然我思想上早已脱离。大事告成：你已解放了我的心，现在又解放了我的口。我兴高采烈地感谢你，和亲友一行，启程返回别墅。

What I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my Epistles bear witness.

在那里我写了些什么？我的文学已经为你服务，但还带着学校的傲慢气息，一如奔走者停步后呼吸还觉得急促；在我记述和友好谈论或在你面前自问自答的语录中以及和外出的内布利提乌斯的通讯中，都流露着此种气息。

And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would not at first vouch safe to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote against serpents.

我已经急于要转到更重大的事件了。什么时候我才有充分的时间来追述你尤其在这一阶段中所加给我的一切洪恩厚泽呢？过去种种如在眼前。主啊！向你忏悔往事，我还感到温暖，譬如回想你不知用了哪一种利剑刺我的心灵，降伏了我；你怎样“削平了我思想上的山丘，修直了曲折的道路，填平了崎岖的峻坂”；[16]你怎样用你的独子，“我们的救主耶稣基督”[17]的圣名使我心爱的弟兄阿利比乌斯俯言就范，起初他甚至在我们书札中看到这名字便生憎恶，宁愿在我文字中嗅到学校中的、已被“你砍倒的香柏”的气味，不愿闻教会内防御毒蛇有奇妙功能的药草。

Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote which might have recovered them of their madness. How I would they had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear, without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me; nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake by and for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul.

我的上帝啊！我朗诵大卫的诗歌、洋溢着衷心信仰的诗歌、最能扫除我们满腹傲气的诗歌时，我向你发出哪些呼声？这时我对于真正的爱还是一个学徒，我和阿利比乌斯都是“望教者”，[18]住在乡间别墅中，母亲和我们在一起，她虽然是个妇女，但在信仰上却是杰出的丈夫，她具有老年的持重，母亲的慈祥，教友的虔诚。我在朗诵这些诗歌时，发出哪些呼声？使我内心燃起对你多么大的爱火？我抱着如此热情，假如可能的话，真想将这些诗篇向全世界朗诵，用以谴责人类的狂妄！可是全世界不是都在朗诵吗？“没有一人能挣脱你的煦育。”[19]我是多么痛恨那些摩尼教徒？却又怜悯他们的愚昧，不懂那些奥赜，不识那些妙剂，反而至死不悟，訾诋续命的药饵。我真希望他们隐在我身旁；当我心旷神怡讽诵《诗篇》第四首时，希望他们看看我的面容，听听我的声音，希望他们体会到这些诗歌如何为我而发：“我的公义的上帝啊！我向你呼吁时，你应允我；我在困苦之中，你使我舒畅；求你怜悯我，俯听我的祈祷”。[20]希望他们窃窃私听，而我则并不觉察；否则他们必以为我诵读这篇诗是针对着他们的；其实如果我知道有人听着看着，我决不会说话，决不会说那些话；他们呢，也决不认为这些话出于我的肺腑，只是在你面前，对我自己说的。

I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long slow of heart? Why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet cries out, how long, slow of heart? Why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing, loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard and trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for truths, was there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly and forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.

我一面是战栗恐惧，一面却欢欣鼓舞地仰慕你的慈爱。当你慈祥之神对我们说：“人的儿子们，你们心事重重何时为止。你们为何要喜爱空虚，寻觅虚伪？“[21]上述种种心情已自然而然露于目光，流于声息。的确，我喜爱过空虚，寻觅过虚伪。但是主，“你已经显扬你的圣者”，[22]“起之于死中，升之于诸天，位之于己右”，[23]又自天派遣他所许的“施慰之神，真理之神”。[24]他已经派遣，而我还茫然不知。他已经派遣，因为他已复活升天，受到颂扬。在此以前，“圣神”尚未降临，因为耶稣尚未受荣显。先知呼喊说：“你们心事重重，何时为止？你们为何喜爱空虚，寻觅虚伪？你们该知道上帝已经颂扬他的圣者。”他至今在呼喊：“你们该知道，”而我仍长期愤愤，喜爱空虚，寻觅虚伪。为此，我听了不胜惊怖，因为我回忆过去的情况，这些话真是针对着我这样的人。我奉为真理的那些幻像，不过是空虚，是虚伪。我回想及此，禁不住痛恨而长叹息。希望那些至今还在喜爱空虚、寻觅虚伪的人听听这些话，可能他们也要转侧不安而唾弃前非。如果他们向你呼吁，你一定俯听他们，因为“代我们祈求你”[25]的基督，以血肉之身真的为我们受死。

I further read, be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God, who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with their famine, and said, Who will show us good things? And we would say, and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but are enlightened by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will show us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust in Thee,there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away time, and wasted by time; where as I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence other corn, and wine, and oil.

我读到：“发怒吧，不要再犯罪！”[26]我的上帝，我多么感动，我已经知道恼怒我以前种种，决定今后不再犯罪；我理应发怒，因为并非另一个黑暗窳败的天性利用我身而犯罪，一如那些不知道自恨、“为自身积蓄着上帝公义审判的忿怒”[27]的人们所说的。我的财富不在身外，也不是在太阳之下用我肉眼找寻得到。凡以快乐寄托于身外之物的，容易失去操守，沉湎于有形的、暂时的事物，他们的思想饥不择食地去舐那些事物的影子。唉！巴不得他们感到空虚厌倦而喊出：“难能指示我们幸福？”[28]我们将回答他们说：“主，你的圣容神光深印在我们心中”。[29]因为我们不是“普照生灵”[30]的真光，我们是受你的光照：我们“本是黑暗，在你怀中成为光明。”[31]唉，巴不得他们能够看出身内的永恒真光！我虽已体会到，但无法向人揭示。巴不得他们背着你面注视着外物的眼光能向我流露出他们的内心，肯对我说：“谁能指示我们的幸福？”我原来也就在这方寸之间恼怒，就在心坎深处发出悔恨，宰割了“故我”作为牺牲后，我的“新我”开始信赖你而入于深思，也就在此时，你开始使我体会到你的甘饴，“使我心悦怿”。[32]我口诵心维，欢呼雀跃，不愿再放情于外物，啮食时间，同时为时间所吞噬，因为我在永恒的纯一本体中有另一种“小麦”，另一种“酒”，另一种“油”。[33]

And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the Selfsame, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many other things, which are not what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope.

读到下一节，我的内心禁不住高呼说：“啊，在和平中，就在存在本体中，我安卧，我酣睡”。[34]圣经上所说的“死亡被消灭于凯旋之中”[35]一朝实现，谁还敢抵抗我们？始终不变的你就是存在的本体，在你之中足以得到扫除一切忧患的宁静，因为无人能和你相比，也不须再追求你以外的其他一切。“主，你兼顾了我，收敛我于希望之中。”[36]

I read, and kindled; nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself had been, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against those writings, which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light: and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture.

我朗读着，满怀是炽热的情绪，但想不出怎样对付那些充耳无闻的死人，过去我也是其中之一，曾经散布疫疠，对流注天上蜜露、映彻你的光辉的圣经，曾经恶毒地、盲目地狂吠；想到那些与圣经为敌的人，真使我悲不自胜。

When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy.

什么时候我能追述这次假期中的一切经过？但对于你严厉的鞭策和疾于迅雷的慈爱，我决不会遗忘，决不会默尔而息的。

Thou didst then torment me with pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height for that I could not speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote on wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain went away. But what pain,or how went it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy I had never experienced the like. And the power of Thy nod was deeply conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.

这时你用牙痛来磨难我，痛得我连话都不能讲。我想起请在场的亲友们代我祈求你一切救援的上帝。我写在蜡板上递给他们看。我们双膝刚刚下跪，热切祷告，我便霍然而愈了。多么剧烈的疼痛：怎样消失的呢？主，我的上帝！我真是惶恐不安，我承认，因为我一生从未经历过这样的情况。你的德能渗透到我心坎深处，我在信仰之中感到喜悦，歌颂你的圣名，但这信仰对于我过去未经洗礼赦免的罪恶还不能使我安心。