忏悔录 Confessions | BookⅣ Chapter4 金兰之交

BookⅣ Chapter4

金兰之交

In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric in my native town, I had made one my friend, but too dear to me, from a community of pursuits, of mine own age, and, as myself, in the first opening flower of youth. He had grown up of a child with me, and we had been both school fellows and play-fellows. But he was not yet my friend as afterwards, nor even then, as true friendship is; for true it cannot be, unless in such as Thou cementest together, cleaving unto Thee, by that love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us. Yet was it but too sweet, ripened by the warmth of kindred studies: For, from the true faith (which he as a youth had not soundly and thoroughly imbibed), I had warped him also to those superstitious and pernicious fables, for which my mother bewailed me. With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be without him. But behold Thou wert close on the steps of Thy fugitives, at once God of vengeance, and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by wonderful means; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had scarce filled up one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all sweetness of that my life.

在这些年代中，我在本城开始我的教书生涯时，结识了一个非常知己的朋友，他和我一起研究学问，又同在旺盛的青年时代。他本是和我一起长大、一起就学、一起游戏的。但幼时我们两人还没有深切的爱情，虽则后来也不能谓是真正的友谊，因为只有你把那些具有“因我们所领受的圣神而倾注于我们心中的爱”[10]而依附你的人联结在一起的友谊才是真正的友谊。但那时我和他的交谊真是无比甜蜜，同时，因嗜好相同，更增加了我们的投契。我又使他放弃了他青年时代尚未真诚彻底认识的真正信仰，把他拖到了我母亲为我痛哭的荒诞危险的迷信之中。他的思想已经和我一起走上了歧途，而我的心也已经不能没有他。你是复仇的上帝，同时也是慈爱的泉源，你紧紧追赶着逃避你的人，你用奇妙的方式使我们转向你；这温柔的友谊对我说来是超过我一生任何幸福，可是还不到一年，你便使他脱离了人世。

Who can recount all Thy praises, which he hath felt in his one self? What diddest Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of Thy judgments? For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in a death-sweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptised, unknowing; myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his soul would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was wrought on his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was refreshed, and restored. Forth with, as soon as I could speak with him (and I could, so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung but too much upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he would jest with me at that baptism which he had received, when utterly absent in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received. But he so shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and sudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, for bear such language to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed all my emotions till he should grow well, and his health were strong enough for me to deal with him as I would. But he was taken away from my frenzy, that with Thee he might be preserved for my comfort; a few days after in my absence, he was attacked again by the fever, and so departed.

任何人，即使仅仅根据个人内心的经验，也不能缕述你的慈爱。我的上帝，这时你做什么？你的判断真是多么深邃。他患着高热，好久不省人事，躺在死亡的汗液中；病势看来已经绝望，便有人给这个失去知觉的病人行了“洗礼”，我也并不介意，认为他的灵魂一定保持着所得于我的思想，而不是得于别人在他失去知觉的肉体上的行动。岂知远远出于我意料之外，病势转好，没有危险了。当我能和他讲话时——只要他能说话，我即能和他谈话，因为我日夜不离，我们两人真是相依为命——我想把他在昏迷中领受“洗礼”一事向他打趣，以为他也将自哂这回事的。岂知他已经知道自己受了洗礼。这时他惊怖地望着我，如对仇人一般，用突然的、异乎寻常的坚决态度警告我，如果我愿意和他交朋友，不能再说这样的话。我愕然失色，竭力压制我的情绪，让他保养精力，以为等他恢复健康之后，我对他又能为所欲为了。但是他从我疯狂的计划中被抢走，保存在你的身边，作为我日后的安慰。几天后，我又在他身边时，寒热重新发作，便溘然长逝了。

At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him every where, but he was not granted them; and I hated all places, for that they had not him; nor could they now tell me, "he is coming," as when he was alive and absent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she was so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely: but she knew not what to answer me. And if I said, Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not; because that most dear friend, whom she had lost, was, being man, both truer and better than that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend, in the dearest of my affections.

这时我的心被极大的痛苦所笼罩，成为一片黑暗！我眼中只看见死亡！本乡为我是一种刑罚，家庭是一片难言的凄凉。过去我和他共有的一切，这时都变成一种可怕的痛苦。我的眼睛到处找他，但到处找不到他。我憎恨一切，因为一切没有他；再也不能像他生前小别回来时，一切在对我说，“瞧，他回来了！”我为我自身成为一个不解之谜：我问我的灵魂，你为何如此悲伤，为何如此扰乱我？我的灵魂不知道怎样答复我。假如我对我的灵魂说：“把希望寄托于上帝”，它不肯听我的话，这很对，因为我所丧失的好友比起我教它寄予希望的幻象是一个更真实、更好的人。为我，只有眼泪是甜蜜的，眼泪替代了我心花怒放时的朋友。