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我们每个人都渴望拥有灵性,都期待拥有一颗智慧而通透的心灵,那么真正的“心灵通透”是一种什么样的能量状态呢?答案是:那些不合理的信念,是无形中困住了我们一生的绳子!
美国知名教练兼斯坦福大学商学院讲师Lauren Weinstein在TED舞台上分享了我们是如何被自己不合理的信念所限制,变得不自信,不敢尝试,觉得自己不够好的。
她说我们常陷在不合理的信念中,这些信念影响了我们看世界的角度和行为方式,继而导致了自证预言。而走出恶性循环的有效方式是,不要相信你所想的一切!
演讲中,Lauren使用一些优秀的现实世界的例子告诉我们,必须解决我们自己的预先编程的思维,以打破我们持有的想象知觉。对于感知、灵通、灵体沟通,能做的,就是放松,用最轻松的方式去做。
那些限制你的执念
是你不幸的根本原因
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This elephant has incredible strength. She can uproot a tree with her trunk alone. Yet she will remain in captivity, held by only a light rope. Despite her ability to easily break away, she doesn’t even try.
Why?
It starts when she is young. She is first tied down when she is small and not yet strong enough to break the rope. She will try at first, try as hard as she can to break free, and try and try, but eventually realize she can’t.
Suddenly, something attaches itself to her that is stronger than any rope or chain or fence. It’s the belief that she can’t break free. It’s this belief that holds her back — despite her ability.
I’ve had these same beliefs — you may have too — beliefs that held me back, beliefs that led me to feel unfulfilled in my work, to struggle in my relationships and to live a life that was far from the one I am living now.
It was only when I became aware of my ropes and actively pulled against them that I found myself in a different reality.
Don’t believe everything you think.
When I was six years old, I had a favorite baby sitter, Amber. One morning, my mother told me we couldn’t have her babysit because she didn’t have enough money to pay her.
So that afternoon, I started my first company. I gathered rocks from around the neighborhood, painted them with my art set, and went door to door, selling them to our neighbors. That night, it was Amber and I on the couch together.
When I was young, I was bold, outgoing and fearless. I wore what I wanted or didn’t want to wear, guided by my own voice that told me what would make me happy.
I was also in love. His name was Fernando, and he was wonderful. As with everything else, I wasn’t afraid to grab him with both hands.
As I grew older, this picture started to fade. My exuberance was replaced with timidness, my leadership with conformity, my boldness with fear.
I don’t think any of us leave childhood without some ropes despite our parents’ best intentions. I grew up with a mother who was determined to give me the perfect life. Armed with love and good intentions, she did everything for me to help me be perfect.
I’d pack a suitcase to go on a school trip, and she’d unpack it and repack it in a more perfect way. I’d be ready to turn in a school art project, and then she’d add her own brush strokes to make it better.
Later she told me when my choice of boyfriend or apartment wasn’t good enough. Although she just wanted what was best for me, I stopped knowing what was best for me.
An unconscious rope was formed. I shouldn’t trust my own voice and my own ability, and I feared not being perfect.
Other ropes attached themselves too. I grew up in a family filled with yelling, loud voices and strong opinions. To keep the peace, I learned to stay quiet, to not rock the boat, to become invisible.
In school, I came to believe it’s more important to blend in than stand out. And the pain of an early heartbreak led me to hold back in my relationships so I could avoid getting hurt.
I’m not good enough. Don’t speak up. Don’t stand out. Fear failure.
These were my ropes.
This isn’t just my story. Like the elephant, we all come to believe certain things in childhood that weren’t true — or at least are no longer true. But we still live with them as if they are.
If you’ve ever felt not good enough, alone, unwanted, unloved, invisible, powerless, like you don’t belong — these are your ropes.
If you’ve ever felt you can’t trust yourself, trust others, speak up, stand out, ask for help, let others in, be accepted as you are — these are your ropes.
These ropes hold us back.
I found myself defaulting to others’ opinions when I should have been trusting my own, staying quiet when it would have benefited me to speak up, and blending in when I would have been happier if I had to courage to stand out.
This led me into a series of jobs that ranged from tolerable to miserable. In one, I hoped I’d get sick so I could stay home from work. It led me into a series of relationships in which I lacked confidence in myself, the other person and the relationship. These never worked out.
My beliefs affected the way I perceived the world, which changed how I acted, which led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt small, and my world became smaller.
What we believe has powerful effects. Decades of social psychology research backs this up. In a study performed at Dartmouth College, an ugly scar was placed on participants’ faces with makeup. They were then sent into a room for a conversation and asked to report how people responded to them with this ugly scar.
But here is the twist. Right before they left, the experimenter said, “Hold on a minute! We just want to touch up your scar a bit.”
Rather than touch it up, they removed it entirely. So unbeknownst to them, the participants went into their conversations, looking completely normal.
Despite this, they came back and reported how awkward their conversations were, how people avoided looking at their scar, had trouble making eye contact, and were tense and uncomfortable in the conversation.
Their beliefs about their scar led them to see things that weren’t really there and to make meaning of innocent behavior.
What could have been a perfectly normal conversation instead became an awkward one. Their beliefs created their reality.
Other studies show the same effect. Highlight an Asian woman’s Asian identity before a math test, she’ll perform better. Highlight her female identity, she’ll perform worse.
Lead a group of men to believe an athletic task is diagnostic of sports intelligence, white men perform better. Lead them to believe it’s diagnostic of natural athletic ability, black men do.
Give someone a white coat and tell them it’s a doctor’s lab coat, they’ll perform better on an attention task than when told it’s a painter’s coat.
In all of these cases, same people, same abilities, same tasks — different beliefs. And in each case, it was their belief that raised or lowered their performance.
How you see yourself and your circumstances will affect what you see, how you act, and what occurs as a result. It’s almost as if our beliefs place a virtual reality headset on us, a headset that allows us to see things that aren’t really there and sends us into a false reality.
We have these headsets even when they’re miles from the truth. I remember hearing the top model Cameron Russell share how models, despite having the shiniest hair and the longest legs, are some of the most physically insecure people on the planet.
And award-winning author Lidia Yuknavitch shared how she didn’t follow up on the literary representation she was offered early in her career. The reason in her words:
“We don’t always know how to hope or say yes or choose the big thing, even when it’s right in front of us. It’s the shame we carry. The shame of not believing we deserve it.”
Our headsets have us living into a false reality. They also cause us to bump into each other.
Once, I’d been dating someone for a few weeks. We’ll call him Ben. We talked every day. Then he went on a work trip. For four days, silence. I didn’t hear a word.
How would you interpret this? What’s the first thought that pops in your head? My beliefs led me to wonder what I had done or said to make this once enthusiastic person change his mind about me.
I shared his silence with friends. One, who admits she has trouble trusting people, was sure he was on this trip with another woman.
Another, who admits she’s afraid of rejection, guessed he was probably upset because I hadn’t invited him as my date to an upcoming wedding.
And a third, who has trouble with commitment, guessed he probably thought we were moving too fast and was taking some space.
Each person saw the same situation through the lens of their own headset. Who was right? How should I respond?
Each of these assumptions leads to a different response. Moving too fast? — I should pull back. But if he’s feeling rejected, this would just hurt him more.
Feeling rejected? — I should up my calls and invite him to the wedding. But if he thinks we’re moving too fast, this will just push him away further. I was so confused.
As I was ping-ponging around in my own headset while briefly borrowing some of my friends’ headsets, this relationship died a slow death.
Are you ready for what was going on in Ben’s headset? He’d been deeply hurt by a past relationship, was afraid of getting hurt again, and pulled away when his insecurities got the best of him. It was none of the things anyone had guessed.
Sometimes our headsets get in the way of our relationships. It took me a long time to learn this. Just as our beliefs can hold us back, they can also propel us forward.
Let’s go back to the scar study for a moment. Imagine the opposite. Imagine the researchers place something on the participants’ faces that leads them to believe they look beautiful and then remove it before they go into the social setting. Now, what do you think they believe about others’ responses?
How do you think they show up differently? What difference does it make if you believe you’re ugly or gorgeous, good at math or terrible at it, good at sports or not? It seems, a big one.
I finally learned this lesson. My headset led me to law school. There my long-held false beliefs were reinforced: aim for perfection, follow the crowd, fear failure. This was a familiar path.
Then one day, without thinking much about it, I signed up for a class outside the law school, called Design Thinking Boot Camp, a class that promised to unleash my creative potential.
I had to design innovative products and experiences, or more accurately, pull on almost every single one of my ropes. I had to trust my own voice because when it comes to innovation, there is by definition no one to look to for the answers.
I had to put myself out there because innovation doesn’t come from playing it safe. And perhaps most importantly, I had to be willing to fail, to be willing to not be perfect. The best designs came only after multiple failed attempts.
If I wanted to get it right, I first had to be willing to get it wrong.
I struggled in this class because all of the things that would help me succeed were the same things I believed for so many years I shouldn’t do.
I finally gave in to their crazy approach, and the most amazing thing happened. I was free to go, play, try things, experiment — to live as I had before my ropes.
I felt free in a way I hadn’t since I was six years old, and I accomplished things I never would have imagined possible. I was astounded, proud, liberated — and confused.
I wondered if the beliefs that held me back in this class were the same ones holding me back in other parts of my life.
The seed had been planted. Maybe I shouldn’t believe everything I think. Headset off. To take it off, I just had to realize I had it on. Ropes broken. New beliefs lead to new actions.
In my first bold move since I was six, I turned down my offer to work at a law firm and placed myself in a different reality. I experimented with different jobs and took on various side projects, saying yes to ones I previously would have said no to due to lack of experience, trusting I could figure it out.
I was still afraid of failure and taking wrong turns, and sometimes I did. I just no longer let this stop me.
Then one day, I took on a 10-week part-time position, coaching speakers. I fell in love with this work. We’re talking Fernando-level love. No longer afraid to grab things with both hands, I went on to start my own company, helping leaders become more powerful speakers and to teach a communication class at Stanford.
Particularly meaningful for me is that I now get to give others what I’d lost for so long — a more powerful voice. I broke other ropes too.
When I was self-conscious and shy, I never could have imagined revealing my insecurities to you on a TED stage. That would have sounded more like a bad dream. Yet somehow, here I am.
This process didn’t happen overnight. Each new thought, each new action built on the one before it until I found myself in a new reality. I still have ropes I’m working to break. My goal is fewer over time.
To get there, I remind myself of the marshmallow challenge. Teams of four are given 20 sticks of spaghetti, a yard of string, a yard of tape and a marshmallow.
The winning team is the one that can build the tallest freestanding tower they can in 18 minutes. The marshmallow has to be on top. This challenge has been given all over the world to business-school students, lawyers, CEOs, CTOs, engineers.
Who do you think are among the top performers? Recent graduates of kindergarten.
Here’s why. The other groups will take what they think they know, what they think is the single right answer, and end up executing in the wrong direction.
In contrast, kindergarteners stay open to multiple possibilities. They test out different options, they gather information by experimenting until they find the best way forward. They have fun.
What makes us so amazing as children is we live in a world before ropes. In a world before “what’s known,” when there is “what’s possible.” In a world before “I can’t,” when there is “how could I?”
In a world before falling and staying down, when we fall and get right back up again — undeterred. In a world in which nothing is holding us back from our full capacity.
What the design class was for me, I hope this talk is for you — a seed that gets you to question what you’ve previously accepted as true, that makes you more aware of your ropes, that helps you see they were always yours to break.
No matter who you are or where you are, in this moment, there is the life that you can be living if you break your ropes. You get there one new thought at a time, one new action at a time until one day, you find yourself in a new reality.
Thank you.

我愿意,许给自己的承诺
Repeat after me: “I promise…”

“I will accept everything I am, and everything I am not.”
“我愿意接受全部的自己,无论好坏。”
Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy.  So be confident.  Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren’t.  Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are, and aren’t, that you will truly find happiness and success.

自我价值来源于对自我的认可。所以自信一点吧。太多时候,我们都把时间浪费在了与他人的比较之上以及期许自己成为另外的样子。每个人都有自己的优缺点,只有当你接受全部的自己,无论好坏,你才能真正地找到快乐与成功。
“I will appreciate others for who they are.”
“我愿意欣赏他人最真实的一面。”


Sometimes the way you think about a person isn’t the way they are.  On the outside, maybe they laugh, and maybe they cry; but you would be surprised at everything they keep deep inside.  So pay close attention, and love the people you care about for who they are, and not for who you want them to be.  In the long run, this is how you will get the best of them.

有时候你觉得别人是什么样子的,不代表他们就是你所想的那样。从外表看起来,他们可能欢笑,也可能流泪,但你要为发现他们内在的真实而感到惊奇。所以,仔细观察你在乎和你爱的人,只因为他们原本的样子,而不是你希望他们成为的样子。长远来看,只有这样你才能发现他们最好的一面。

“I will speak kindly and consciously to others.”
“我愿意心平气和地与人交谈。”


Open your mind before you open your mouth.  Don’t mix bad words with a bad mood.  Just be calm and deal with your emotions.  You’ll have many opportunities to change your mood, but you’ll have an extremely tough time recovering the words you have spoken.

三思而后行。不要因为心情不好而口出恶言。冷静下来,好好处理一下自己的情绪。你有很多机会可以调整自己的心情,但是一旦说话伤到了别人,就很难再恢复你们之间的关系了。

“I will stop trying to control everything.”

“我愿意停止想要掌控一切的想法。”


You can’t control everything in your life no matter how many safeguards you put into place.  But thankfully, you don’t have to control everything to find peace and happiness.  It lives with you always, deep within.  More than getting into the nuances of control itself, you should be more interested in encouraging yourself to commit to giving it up, on purpose.  See what happens when you loosen your grip, throw your hands into the air, and allow life to just happen and flow as it does, without constant micromanagement.

无论你为自己设置多少重保护,你都无法掌控一切。幸运的是,你不需要掌控一切,依然可以找到快乐与宁静,它们就存在于你内心深处,时刻与你相随。与其为了控制一切而忧心忡忡,不如有意识地鼓励自己学会放手。当你松开你的掌心,让生活顺其自然,不再施加任何的控制时,看看生活会发生什么变化。

“I will appreciate the beauty of small moments.”
“我愿意欣赏从小处散发出来的美。”


Positive minds live positive lives.  There is always, always something to be thankful for and something to smile about.  The happiest people are not those who get everything they want; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, notice and appreciate the beauty and sweetness of everyday moments.

乐观的人会有乐观的心态。生活中总是会有东西值得你去感激,去微笑面对。世上最快乐的人不是那些得到了一切想要的东西的人,而是那些在追寻自己的目标的过程中,能够发现并欣赏每一个小细节中所散发出的美好。

“I will do what I think is right.”
“我愿意做我认为正确的事情。”


What comes easy won’t always last, and what will last won’t always come easy.  So do the right things, not the easy things.  Whatever comes your way, whatever battle is raging inside you, you always have a choice.  In the end, it’s the choices you make that make you who you are.  And no matter what, you can always choose to do the right thing.

容易得到的东西不会长久,能够长久的东西不容易得到。所以,做正确的事不是一件容易的的事。无论你遇到什么,无论你的内心有多挣扎,你总能做出一个选择。最终,是你的选择成就了你是什么样的人。事实是,无论怎样,你总能选择去做正确的事。

“I will grow from my challenges.”
“我愿意从挑战中成长。”


You can be stunned, awakened, and changed by what happens to you, but choose to grow from it, and refuse to be reduced by it.  Repeat after me: “I am determined to live a happy life no matter my challenges.  I will turn all my tales of fury into tales of glory.  I will turn all of my tales of woe into tales of WOW!”

在面对挑战时,你也许会被吓到,会受刺激,会做出改变,但你应该从挑战中成长,而不是被挑战所打败。跟着我说,“无论我面对的挑战是什么,我都要幸福地生活。我会把所有的愤怒转变为荣耀,让所有的敌人为我惊叹!”

“I will realize and use my power.”
“我愿意发现并施展我的才能。”

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.  In a world filled with doubt, you must dare to dream.  In a world filled with anger, you must dare to forgive.  In a world filled with hate, you must dare to love.  In a world filled with distrust, you must dare to believe.  And once you do, you will find that power you once thought you lacked.

很多情况下,人们放弃自己的才能是因为觉得自己没有才能。在这个满是怀疑的世界中,你必须敢于梦想;在这个满是愤怒的世界中,你必须敢于原谅;在这个满是仇恨的世界中,你必须敢于去爱;在这个满是失信的世界中,你必须敢于相信。一旦你这么做了,你就会找到原本你认为自己不具有的才能。

“I will follow the path my heart longs to take.”

“我愿意听从自己的心声走下去。”

Life is too short to live with regrets.  So love the things that make you smile, let go of the things that make you cry, and believe that everything happens for a reason.  Follow the path that your heart longs to take; it’s your time to shine.  If you get a chance, take it.  If it changes your life, let it.  You are far from what you once were, but not yet who you are going to be.

人生苦短,岂能留憾?去爱那些能让你微笑的事物,放弃那些会让你哭泣的东西,相信世间万物的发生都有其原因。追随心之所向,这是你的闪耀时光。如果机会降临到你面前,抓住它。如果它会改变你的生活,那就顺其自然。你已经不是过去的自己了,未来的路还得由你自己来走。
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