高质量英语演讲&专访视频哪里看?
请您点击上方“精彩英语演讲”,选择“设为星标
全网最新鲜,热门的英语演讲第一时间为您奉上!
今天,是国际不打小孩日(每年4月30日)。这个令孩子欢呼的节日绝对是正经的,拒绝体罚、巴掌、打屁股……同时也拒绝情感上的暴力和伤害。
在我们中国有句老话,叫做:"棍棒底下出孝子",说的是想要孩子孝顺听话,就必需用打的方式进行教育。
而受到传统文化的影响,秉承着这种"暴力型"教育方式的父母,可以说是比比皆是,在孩子叛逆时、犯错时、厌学、成绩差的时候,往往会通过打骂孩子,来达到教育的目的。
但,你打骂孩子真的是为了教育孩子吗?或者说打孩子这件事情,真的对吗?
美国的相关机构研究表明,越早童年的压力,不完整的家庭,对今后健康的危害更大,比如滥用毒品、自杀倾向和抑郁等等,寿命也可能更短。儿童早年的成长经历是导致今后健康和生活质量的主要因素。在孩子前5年的成长中,暴力的影响更多的是对脑部,而不是心理的。
今天分享一位美国优雅且年轻奶奶的TED演讲,她是一名资深心理治疗师和儿童心理健康专家,她的名字是Robbyn Peters Bennett。这是一个有充分的研究和数据支持的演讲,而非泛泛而谈。打孩子会让孩子产生压力,并产生长期的负面影响。为什么有些小孩在幼儿园里,捣乱,也许有可能是父母的问题。在神经科学里,他们成为time-bomb effect,孩子被的次数和他们今后成年殉酒的次数是有关联的。让我们一起感受下那些还在痛苦中挣扎的孩子和伴侣们吧。Remember, Hands are for holding, not for spanking.
今天是“国际不打小孩日”
孩子是爱出来的,不是打出来的!
↓↓↓ 上下滑动,查看演讲稿 ↓↓↓
I'm a grandmother.
And as a grandmother, I want to share with mothers and fathers how important it is that we never hit our children, including spanking.
My granddaughter just started kindergarten, and she loves school--I mean, she loves everything about school, except for this one thing: reminder sticks.
She tells me that if you don't do what the teacher tells you to do, you have to give her a reminder stick.
But the trouble is you only have three, and if you give up all three reminder sticks, you have to sit out recess, and watch the other children play.
She's really worried that one day she's going to lose all three sticks.
She says, "Jack--he loses all three sticks every day, grandma." I'm aware of how stressful this is, because she begins to play this game with me, where she's the teacher taking away reminder sticks, and I'm basically Jack.
I believe that children do well when they can, and the trouble is, with some kids like Jack, it's much harder to do well.
So you know, she takes me to school, and points out all of her friends, she points to the boy over there and she says, "That's Jack.
He's annoying." I'm like, "Is he now?" I work with kids with behavior problems, so I'm interested in Jack, and I watch as the teacher says, "Now, boys and girls, get out your crayons, we're going to make a portrait of your neighbor." And all the children are coloring, and what's Jack doing? Oh, he's humming and he's picking the paper off the crayons, and breaking the crayons into pieces.
He takes this little nub of a black crayon and starts making this big fat scribble.
Now, the rule is you don't have to keep the portrait if you don't like it-- if it doesn't--if you don't like it.
And so, of course, Jack's scribble portrait goes right into the trash can.
Then it's activity time, and you have to get an activity out of the cabinet.
So Jack's rifling through the cabinet but can't find anything of interest, so he snatches the pieces from the boy next to him, and sits on them.
And this goes on all day long.
I mean, you've got to love Jack.
I had a mother once tell me: "You only love these kids because you know what to do with them," Isn't that the truth, but I didn't always know what to do with them.
My son was one of those wiggleworms/squeaky noise-makers, that always had to sit right next to the teacher.
Those of us that work with young children who struggle know that often they're from homes where the relationship to their parents is stressed.
And I wonder: what stresses Jack? I read a study that asked little children what worries them most.
Do you know what the most common response was? Being spanked.
Little children are worried about being hit by their parents.
And I'm worried, too, because spanking is a huge neurobiological stressor that can have long-term negative consequences.
I learned about this when I was studying the effects of trauma on brain development.
Now, there's this monumental study that studies early stress, called the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, and what they're looking at, is that there's a dose-rate relationship where the more early stress you have in childhood, family dysfunction, the greater your risk for all sorts of health problems.
So you can have a score of 0 to 10, and let's just say that your dad could be kind of mean and sometimes physical when he was drinking, and that your mother divorced him because of it.
So your ACE score would be probably a four or more.
If you have an ACE score of four or more, you're two and a half times more likely to have cardiac disease, you're four and a half times more likely to be chronically depressed, you are five times more likely to struggle with alcoholism, twelve times more likely to attempt suicide when you're a teenager, and thirteen times more likely to be an IV drug user.
One in six middle-class Americans have an ACE score of four or more.
And if your ACE score is 6 or more, your life expectancy is 20 years less.
My ACE score is an 8.
The findings of this study are that adverse childhood experiences are the leading cause of illness, death, and poor quality of life in the United States.
So, what is at the root of this family dysfunction? Well, it's family violence.
I worry: "Is Jack worried about being hit?" After all, statistically speaking, either you or the person sitting next to you on either side, has been physically abused by their parents as children.
And I don't mean spanking.
Domestic violence against children is over twice the rate of spousal abuse.
And in this country several children will die today from physical abuse at the hands of their own parents.
And we know that physical child abuse, usually begins with physical punishment.
Now you might be wondering, "How does early violence lead to all these long-term health problems?" Well, it's because the impact of early adversity, especially in the first five years of life, is more like a brain injury, than a psychological one.
So Jack, he's not just making poor choices, his brain can't regulate.
Self-regulation is a neurobiological capability to manage arousal, both physical and emotional.
And children learn to self-regulate by co-regulating with a calm and regulated parent.
So of course the most serious problem is when the parents themselves are the source of the stress.
Now for Jack, he needs the close interaction of his teacher, which, you know, kindergarten is like crowd control--twenty-five kids.
So instead, what he does to self-regulate is he chews on erasers, he wiggles, he makes noises, and he walks around the room.
These aren't bad behaviors.
These behaviors regulate his brain.
If you have self-regulation problems, it's like having a dimmer switch that's turned way up high.
And it gets stuck, and it's really hard to turn it back down.
So how do we help Jack? The hardest thing to do is to stay calm and regulated ourselves.
To breathe, to remember to exhale, and when Jack is too difficult, to walk away.
But if you can hang in there, then you mirror him, like, "How awful that your artwork is in the trash can," and enjoy him, because mutual enjoyment is regulating to the brain, and is very nourishing to brain development.
So self-regulation is the foundation to further development.
If you have problems early on, like if Jack has trouble early on, it can affect the ongoing development of his brain, so the impact of early stress--sometimes you can't see it until Jack is a teenager.
In neuroscience, they call it the time-bomb effect.
An example of this is a study of over 8,000 adolescents, and they found that the number of the times they're hit as children correlates directly to the frequency that they will binge drink in adolescence.
It just goes up and up and up.
It's like, Whoa! You know, Jack--he went from being annoying, to reaching adolescence and becoming a bully.
He starts binge drinking because he can't feel good.
He beats up his girlfriend because he can't handle being angry.
He attempts suicide because he can't find enough comfort in relationships.
It's like, what happened? Well, whatever it was, it probably started before kindergarten.
So what's one thing we can do to help Jack? We can reject all forms of domestic violence, including spanking.
I mean, what is at the root of physical violence against children? Spanking is at the root.
It is the belief that we think it's OK to hit them.
Spanking IS physical violence against children.
Now, many of you --most of you--I maybe would say, have been spanked as children, and you turned out pretty well, or reasonably well, like myself.
And yet there's this avalanche of research, with over 93% agreement that says that spanking cranks up the dial; it's related to aggression, emotional problems, and physical problems.
So why is this? Well, it's because spanking can dysregulate the regulatory equipment.
It can damage it.
So you might be thinking, "Well, I spanked my child.
Does that mean I damaged him?" Well, I've had to ask myself that very question.
When my stepson was small, he was jumping off the walls, mostly because he was really distressed about his parents' divorce.
I was 18 years old, I didn't have a clue what to do with him and so, like many parents, I spanked him.
It didn't work, you know, thankfully I found this counselor who helped me get into my son's world and feel what it was like to be him.
And once I was inside of his world, I never hit him again.
Did spanking damage him? You know, my son is a very accomplished person.
He's an incredible physical athlete.
He's one of our nation's heroes: he's served several tours in Afghanistan.
He's a professional firefighter.
He's a loving husband and a loving father.
He's one of my favorite people.
And he has trouble with self-regulation.
He can get scattered, he can over-respond to threat.
Like, what about the time his high school teacher got in his face and he was poking him in the chest, and he nearly broke his hand? Even now my son has to physically exercise regularly.
Kind of like the adult equivalent of being a wiggle worm, and needing to move.
And if he doesn't he gets scattered.
I just wish he didn't have to work so hard.
But the problem is: spanking is a family tradition.
My grandmother's mom would say: "I'm going to give you some peach tea." And that meant my grandmother had to go out to a peach tree and cut off a stick and take it to her mom to beat her with it.
You know, my father's generation, they don't believe in hitting kids with sticks-- they spank them with a belt or a spoon.
And my generation? We're still holding on to this idea that you can just smack them on the bottom with an open hand.
It's just watered down peach tea.
You know, it causes me a sickening sadness when I think about that I spanked my son when he was small.
And I understand mothers will feel defensive, because after all, "Society says it's OK." and, "I'm doing the best I can." I know, I know.
But I think we owe it to our children to reject spanking.
We must stop giving stressed out parents permission to strike their children.
You know 50% of toddlers are hit more than three times a week.
Can you just imagine how you'd feel if your spouse were smacking you a couple times a week? Spanking is sanctioned violence against children.
If we were to end spanking we would change the brains of an entire generation.
How do we help Jack? Oh, we've got to slow down.
We've got to get down on the floor with Jack, and touch him and be present, and let go of what we need Jack to do and engage in what he's actually doing.
Treasure his scribble portraits and mirror his frustration and pick the paper off the crayons with him.
And let him feel just how much we really love being with him.
And if you see another child being hit, Stand up and say, "Stop!" Thank you.
我是一位祖母。
作为一位祖母, 我想跟各位父母们分享 从来不打孩子,包括不打屁股, 有多么重要。
我的孙女刚上幼儿园, 她很喜欢学校,我是说,她喜欢关于学校的一切。
除了一件事儿:提醒棒。
她告诉我,如果你不做老师让你做的事情, 你就得给她一根提醒棒。
但问题是,你只有三根, 如果全部上交,你就只能坐在一边, 看其他孩子们玩耍。
她真的非常担心有一天她会失去所有的提醒棒。
她说:“杰克,他每天都要上交所有的提醒棒,奶奶。” 我意识到了这是多么让人有压力,因为她开始跟我玩这个游戏, 游戏里她是老师,拿走提醒棒, 而我基本上就是杰克。
我相信当孩子们能做得很好的时候,他们会这样做, 但问题是,对有些孩子,比如说杰克, 要想做得好是非常困难的。
她带我去学校的时候, 指给我看她所有的朋友,还有那边的一个男孩, 她说:”那就是杰克,他很讨厌。“ 我说:”他现在也是吗?“ 我的工作需要与有行为问题的孩子相处, 所以我对杰克很感兴趣,我观察到,当老师说:”孩子们,现在拿出你们的蜡笔, 大家来给自己的邻座画幅肖像。“ 所有的孩子都在画,杰克在干什么呢?他在低声哼哼,把画纸从蜡笔下拿开, 把蜡笔掰碎。
他捡了块小的黑色蜡笔残渣开始胡乱涂鸦。
规则上,如果你不喜欢你的画像你可以把它扔掉。
如果它不......如果你不喜欢它。
理所当然, 杰克的画像涂鸦直接进了垃圾桶。
然后是活动时间,需要从柜子上拿东西下来玩。
杰克把柜子上所有的东西翻了个遍 但是找不到任何他感兴趣的东西, 所以他抢了旁边男孩的东西并坐在上面。
一整天都是这样。
我想说,我们必须去爱杰克。
有一位母亲曾经跟我说:”你会爱这些孩子们,是因为你知道怎么和他们相处,“ 这话很对啊,但我并不是一直都知道如何跟他们相处。
我儿子以前就是那种捣蛋鬼/噪音制造者, 所以总是被要求坐在老师旁边。
我们这些儿童工作者们知道, 通常这些淘气包来自于亲子关系紧张的家庭。
于是我好奇,是什么让杰克感到紧张?我读过一项研究,让小孩子讲一讲什么事情最让他们感到担心。
你们知道,最普遍的回答是什么吗?被家长打屁股。
小孩子们担心被家长打。
我也很担心,因为打屁股在神经生物学上是一个巨大的应激源, 可以导致长期的的负面影响。
我是在研究创伤对大脑发育的影响的时候, 知道这些的。
现在有一项关于早期压力的重要研究, 叫做”儿童期不良经历研究 (ACE)“。
他们关注的是一种剂量率关系, 当人处在儿童期时,早期压力越多,家庭机能越不正常, 他出现各种健康问题的风险就越高。
比如可以给你从0分打到10分, 假设你的父亲可能有点坏, 有时喝了酒就动手打人, 你的母亲为此跟他离婚了。
那么你的ACE分数大概就是4或4以上。
如果你的ACE分数在4或4以上, 你患心脏疾病的几率就比一般人高了2.5倍, 患慢性抑郁的几率高了4.5倍, 酗酒的几率高了5倍, 在青春期自杀倾向的几率高了12倍, 更有13倍的几率你会成为瘾君子(静脉注射药物)。
美国的中产阶级人群中,每六个人就有一个ACE分数在4或4以上。
如果你的ACE分数在6或6以上,你的寿命预期值就会减少20年。
我的ACE是8分。
这项研究的发现表明,在美国,儿童期不良经历 是生病,死亡,生活质量低下 的主要原因。
那么,这种家庭机能不正常的根源是什么?就是家庭暴力。
我担心:”杰克是不是害怕会挨打?“ 毕竟,根据统计学数字,你,要么就是你旁边坐的人, 在童年时期就受到过父母肢体上的虐待。
我说的不只是打屁股。
家庭暴力行为中,针对儿童的几率是针对婚姻配偶的两倍。
在这个国家,现如今一些孩子就死于 他们亲生父母的肢体虐待。
我们都知道,儿童肢体虐待通常是始于体罚, 现在你可能会好奇,”早期的暴力怎么会导致 这种长期的健康问题?“ 这是由于早期不幸的影响, 尤其在人生最初的五年, 暴力带来的创伤更多在于大脑,而不是心理层面。
就像杰克,他并不是只是做错了事, 而是他的大脑根本无法调节。
自律是一种神经生物学的能力, 它能管理唤醒阈(Arousal),控制肢体和情绪上的激起。
孩子们通过 与平和,自律的父母的共同调节,来学会自律。
这就不难理解,当父母本身就是压力的来源时, 最严重的问题就出现了。
回过头来说杰克,他需要与老师进行密切互动, 你懂的,幼儿园就是要管理混乱——毕竟有25个孩子。
跟正常孩子不同,他的自我调节表现在 嚼橡皮,多动,制造噪音, 在屋子里走来走去。
这些都不是什么不好的行为,反而可以调节他的大脑。
假如人有自律的问题,那就像是调光器开关 开到了太高的档位,卡在了那里, 很难再把它调回去。
那么我们要怎么帮助杰克呢?最难的就是首先我们自己要平和,自律。
记得不断深呼吸, 当杰克很难搞定时,可以先走开。
但如果你在那撑得住的话,你可以镜射(Mirror)模仿他, 比如:”你的艺术作品被丢进垃圾筒了,这可真糟糕!“,让他觉得自在, 因为彼此取悦可以调节大脑, 并且对促进大脑发育很有好处。
所以说,自我调节是进一步发展的基础。
如果你在早期就出现问题,就象如果杰克在早期遇到了麻烦, 这会影响到他大脑的后续发育, 所以早期压力的影响——有时在杰克步入青春期前,你是没法发现的。
在精神科学里,他们叫它时间炸弹效应。
一个例子就是关于超过8000个青少年的研究, 他们发现这些青少年在儿童期挨打的次数与 他们在青春期沉溺于饮酒的频繁度直接相关。
这种频率越来越高,越来越高,让人难以置信,哇哦!你们可以想象,杰克——这个闹腾的小孩,等进入青春期以后 他就成了个坏小子。
他开始饮酒作乐,因为他没法感觉良好。
他打自己的女朋友,因为他没法遏制怒气。
他试图自杀,因为他在亲密关系中得不到足够的抚慰。
到底发生了什么?其实,无论发生了什么,很有可能在他进入幼儿园之前就开始了。
那么我们能做一件什么事去帮助杰克呢?我们可以拒绝一切形式的家庭暴力。
包括打屁股。
我是说,什么是儿童肢体暴力的根源呢?是打屁股。
是我们认为可以打他们的这种想法。
打屁股就是对儿童的肢体暴力。
现在,你们当中的许多人——很大一部分人,我估计, ——在童年时期被打过屁股,而你们现在都成长得很好, 或者还不错,比如我。
然而在大量的研究中,有超过93%的研究同意 打屁股是这一切的开始。
它导致了攻击性的举动,情绪和生理上的问题。
这是为什么呢?因为打屁股会扰乱 正常运作的身体机能,会损坏它。
你可能会想, “我打了孩子的屁股,这也就是毁了他么?” 我也自问过同样的问题。
当我的继子还小的时候,他老是从墙上跳下来, 多半是因为他对自己父母的离异感到难过。
我当时只有18岁,还不知道如何与他相处。
所以像很多父母一样,我打了他的屁股。
你们知道这不管用,但谢天谢地我找到了一个人指导并帮助我 进入孩子的世界,体会他的感受。
一旦我走进了他的世界,我再也没有打过他。
打屁股毁了他吗?其实,我儿子是个挺有成就的人。
他是个出色的运动员。
他是我们的国家英雄之一:他多次去阿富汗服役。
他是个专业的消防队员,也是个有爱的丈夫和父亲。
他是我最爱的人之一。
他也有自律的问题。
他会注意力不集中,会对威胁反应过激。
比如,有次高中老师凑到他面前,戳他胸口 结果我儿子差点弄断了老师的手。
即便是现在,我儿子还要进行有规律的锻炼。
他虽已成人,可内在还象只扭动的毛毛虫 总想动来动去的。
如果他不这么做,他就会精力不集中。
我真希望他并不需要这么辛苦。
但问题是,打屁股是个家庭陋习。
我祖母的母亲会说:“我打算让你尝尝桃子茶(给你点颜色看看)。“ 这意思,就是要我祖母去折一根桃树枝, 拿给她让她用桃树枝打自己。
你们知道,我父亲那一代人不习惯用树枝打孩子, 他们用皮带或者勺子打。
我这一代呢?我们仍然认为 可以用巴掌打他们的屁股。
这只是温和点的“桃子茶”。
当我想到在我儿子很小的时候我打过他的屁股, 我就会感到很难过。
我理解母亲们会为自己辩解, 毕竟,”大家都认为没什么不妥。“而且, ”我在尽我所能教育孩子。“ 我知道,我非常理解。
但是我觉得我们没有教会孩子如何拒绝打屁股的行为。
我们不应该容忍,父母自己有压力就可以打孩子。
50%的幼童每周挨打超过3次。
你能够想象如果你的配偶每周都对你扇几次巴掌 你是什么感觉吗?打屁股就是默许的对孩子的暴力。
如果我们能够停止打屁股,我们就能改变一整代人的大脑。
我们怎么帮助杰克呢?哦,我们应该慢慢来。
我们要俯身下来蹲在杰克身边,抚摸他, 让他感觉到你的关心,忘掉我们想让他做的事, 参与到他实际上正在做的事。
欣赏他的画像涂鸦,体会他的沮丧, 跟他一起把画纸从蜡笔下拿开。
让他感觉到我们多么喜欢跟他在一起。
如果你看到别的孩子挨打, 请站起来说:”住手!“ 谢谢大家。
对孩子而言,最好的教育,往往是家庭给人以温暖、父母让人可信任。
心理治疗师和儿童心理健康专家Robbyn Peters Bennett读过一项研究:让小孩子讲一讲什么事情最让他们感到担心。你们知道最普遍的回答是什么吗?居然是担心被家长打屁股。
有一项关于早期压力的重要研究,叫做“儿童期不良经历研究(ACE)”。当人处在儿童期时,早期压力越多,家庭机能越不正常,他出现各种健康问题的风险就越高。
这项研究的发现表明在美国,儿童期不良经历,是生病、死亡、生活质量低下的主要原因。那么,这种家庭机能不正常的根源是什么?就是家庭暴力。
导演黄莉在《演说家》节目上,讲到她的原生家庭。在她11岁的时候,亲眼目睹父亲第一次打母亲。从那开始,只要母亲一受委屈,就拿黄莉出气。只要父亲不在,那便是黄莉的挨揍日。
可即使再委屈,她也不敢告诉父亲。因为告诉父亲的结果,无非就是——父亲更狠地打母亲,而母亲会更狠地打她。
长期在这样充满家庭暴力的环境下成长,让黄莉产生了很严重的心理阴影。在后来的所有亲密关系当中,她只会一种相处模式,就是隐忍和牺牲。
从11岁到38岁,她花了二十七年的时间才能够坦然地面对这一切。她说:”身体的伤痕会消失,可是心理的阴影很有可能会伴随人的一生。“
2017年在广西有一宗令人大跌眼镜的离婚纠纷案,夫妻两人在庭审中,对年仅7岁亲生女儿的抚养却相互推脱责任,双方都态度坚定地表示不愿意抚养女儿。
接下来,更令人愤怒的一幕发生了。由于那段时间女儿和父亲一起居住,因此父亲在来参加庭审时,将女儿一起带来并留在车上。
庭审结束准备离开时,父亲从车上丢下一袋行李,企图将女儿留在法院直接开车离开,不明所以的女儿一边哇哇大哭一边喊着爸爸。
母亲看到这一幕后,在气愤之余向法官表示,由于男方家庭状况较好,而自己经常在外打工,本希望女儿跟随父亲生活会更好,但没有想到对方会如此对待女儿。因此当场更改庭审意见,最后女儿由母亲抚养。
网友们纷纷表示,称案件父亲不配为人父,枉为人父母。确实,没有担当就不要结婚,没有责任感不想养孩子,就不要选择把他生下来。物品可以退货可以丢弃,可孩子能退能丢弃吗?
也有网友表示,放弃女儿抚养权的女人也不是好妈妈。有人反驳“不是常年在外打工吗?”如果我们把这当作是能离开孩子的正当理由的话,那也是在摧毁一个孩子!
很多父母认为,离开年幼的孩子无关紧要,因为孩子小什么也不懂。事实并非如此,童年被抛弃过的人,成年后是很难与别人建立亲密关系的。
防止再次失联,请立即关注备用号
— 往期精彩英语演讲集 —
能量爆棚!13岁印度裔“残疾”男孩的TED演讲:创造奇迹,只因我从不畏惧!(附视频&演讲稿)
12岁登上TED演讲台,15岁成了《时代》首位封面儿童,曾带3万孩子搞发明,这个天才少女,惊艳了世界!(附视频&演讲稿)
15岁印度裔美国少女登上《时代》封面!还和性感女神朱莉视频对话!(附视频&对话稿)
16岁美国高中生少女爆红ins,作息超自律引网友围观:我的拖延症晚期,被她治好了...(附视频&解说稿)
震撼人心!17岁美国少年死亡前的TED演讲,这才是真正的人生态度!(附视频&演讲稿)
超燃!“小恶魔”10分钟励志英文演讲:赌上余生,才能遇见最真实的自己!(附视频&演讲稿)
励志!巴基斯坦“轮椅铁娘子”TED演讲:我是如何化逆境为机遇,向死而生的?
幽默+智慧!美国知名作家的TED演讲:我用61年人生经验总结出这12条铁律,只有经历过的人才会懂!(附视频&演讲稿)
哈佛大学前校长开学日演讲:教育的目标,是确保学生能辨别“有人在胡说八道”(附视频&演讲稿)
想第一时间观看高质量英语演讲&采访视频?把“精彩英语演讲”设置为星标就对了!操作办法就是:进入公众号——点击右上角的●●●——找到“设为星标”点击即可。
快分享
要收藏
点个赞
点在看
继续阅读
阅读原文