本文作者:William老师
某985高校国家重点实验室英文论文特约润色老师
负责某外企英文合同拟定、审核工作多年
出国留学类考试多年教学经验
熟悉西方主流英文写作教材
雅思八分
不知不觉，我们的写作课转眼已经开设三期了，在第三期我们增设了全文批改的服务，获得学员们一致好评。今天我们以一篇机构学生的习作为样板，请我们的李老师进行修改，和大家共享其中的语言点！
一次偶然的机会，我们从某大型机构的一位老师那里拿到了下面这篇学生习作。当时，这位老师苦于学生基础较好（雅思写作目标6.5），觉得从语言角度，这篇作文可能已经没什么可改进的了，而要另辟蹊径才能说服学生学（bao）习（ke）。我们不评价这位老师的批改水平，只剖析习作中的语言问题，希望帮助到有同样问题的同学在写作上不断精进语言能力。
01
写作原文
题目：Some people think that real stores will be completely replaced by online shopping malls. Do you agree or disagree?
[1] The development of e-commerce and delivery system have brought huge convenience to our lives. With more and more people shopping online, some people think it’s necessary for the existence of real stores. However, as for me, though online shopping malls could greatly satisfy lots of consumers shopping needs, a real store with its unique advantages makes it impossible to disappear in our lives.
[2] First of all, compared with online store, the speed of a consumer to buy commodities, especially those daily necessities with great are faster. Online shopping means we need to choose commodities from malls of different regions, so the speed of online shopping relies heavily on the speed of delivery, a complex process which will spend more than one day. As a result, if a consumer’s need of a specific commodity is too urgent to make him wait for one day or more, he has to go to the real store. Try to imagine, if you need a bag of salt urgently when you are cooking, will you choose to attain it online at the expense of giving up eating?
[3] Besides, shopping in the real store are more visual than shopping in the mall online. You will gain a more overall and specific perception of the real commodities rather than their pictures online. You can touch, perceive, wear and even pre-use these commodities at the real store to assess whether it’s appropriate to spend money for them. Such a process could not be realized in the online mall but should be attached with great importance when we are buying those things with expensive prices. Only in a real store, can we have such an advantage, which makes real store indispensable.   
[4] To conclude, compared with online shopping mall, real store still has its own unique advantages that could still bring many conveniences to our lives. It’s almost impossible to replace all real stores with online mall. We need them to coexist and therefore form a complementary relationship to better satisfy all consumers’ needs.
同学们可以先自行修改，再对照以下写作天团William老师的逐句批改。
02
第一段修改
[1] 我们把第一段分为三句
①The development of e-commerce and delivery system have brought huge convenience to our lives.
②With more and more people shopping online, some people think it’s necessary for the existence of real stores. 
③However, as for me, though online shopping malls could greatly satisfy lots of consumers shopping needs, a real store with its unique advantages makes it impossible to disappear in our lives.
①The development of e-commerce and delivery system have brought huge convenience to our lives.
【语法】第一句主谓不一致，主语 the development 为单数，谓语要用单数 has brought。
【改】The development of e-commerce and delivery system has brought huge convenience to our lives.
② With more and more people shopping online, some people think it’s necessary for the existence of real stores.
【句】第二句看似没有问题，但是… some people think it’s necessary for the existence of real stores 中有三处可以改进。一是 some people 可以精简成 some，因为前面独立主格出现过 people 一词，这里略显重复。二是 it 指代不明，应改成 it’s necessary for sb to do sth 的结构，故改作 it is necessary for real stores to exist.。最后，从下文看，这里明显想表达“实体商店没有存在的必要了”，故 necessary 改成unnecessary。
【改】With more and more people shopping online, some think it is unnecessary for real stores to exist.
③However, as for me, though online shopping malls could greatly satisfy lots of consumers shopping needs, a real store with its unique advantages makes it impossible to disappear in our lives.
【词】第三句 lots of consumers 应改作 many consumers 因为 lots of 过于口语化，不符合雅思写作的用词标准。其次，consumers 要用属格，改成 consumers’。
【句】第三句中… a real store with its unique advantages makes it impossible to disappear in our lives. 存在逻辑问题。句中 it 明显指 a real store，简化一下句子便有 [A] real store makes it impossible to disappear in our lives. 即“一个商店使一个商店无法消失”。显然，make 的逻辑主语应该是 advantages 而非 a real store。为了和从句中 online shopping malls 对应，不修改主句主语，改动词即可。
【改】However, as for me, though online shopping malls could greatly satisfy many consumers’ shopping needs, a real store with its unique advantages still has many reasons to stay/is still irreplaceable.
【第一段修改版】
The development of e-commerce and delivery system has brought huge convenience to our lives. With more and more people shopping online, some think it is unnecessary for real stores to exist. However, as for me, though online shopping malls could greatly satisfy many consumers’ shopping needs, a real store with its unique advantages still has many reasons to stay.
03
第二段修改
[2] 第二段有四个句子
① First of all, compared with online store, the speed of a consumer to buy commodities, especially those daily necessities with great are faster.
② Online shopping means we need to choose commodities from malls of different regions, so the speed of online shopping relies heavily on the speed of delivery, a complex process which will spend more than one day. 
③ As a result, if a consumer’s need of a specific commodity is too urgent to make him wait for one day or more, he has to go to the real store. 
④Try to imagine, if you need a bag of salt urgently when you are cooking, will you choose to attain it online at the expense of giving up eating?
① First of all, compared with online store, the speed of a consumer to buy commodities, especially those daily necessities with great are faster.
【词】第一句 First of all, compared with online store 中 store 是可数名词，应加s构成复数，改作online stores。
【句】第一句 First of all, compared with online store, the speed of a consumer … 中有compared with A, B 的结构，此时应注意 A 和 B 的匹配性，即同类事物才能对比，故 the speed 改作 bricks-and-mortar shops in the neighborhood 和 online stores 对应。当然，原句主谓不一致就不提了。
【词】第一句 especially those daily necessities with great 原本想表达“特别是那些需求量大的日常用品“，“需求量大”用 in great demand。
【改】First of all, compared with online stores, bricks-and-mortar shops in the neighborhood can provide us with commodities faster, especially those daily necessities in great demand. 
②Online shopping means we need to choose commodities from malls of different regions, so the speed of online shopping relies heavily on the speed of delivery, a complex process which will spend more than one day. 
【词】第二句在用词方面有四处可以改进。一是 Online shopping means we need to … 中 we need to 太绝对，换成 we may 更严谨。二是后面半句重复使用了 online shopping，行文不够简洁，the speed of online shopping 改成 its efficiency。三是 the speed of delivery 和 a complex process 不匹配，后者是前者的同位语，故前者应改作 delivery。最后，which will spend more than one day 中 spend 的主语应该是人，故改作 cost。
【改】Online shopping means we may choose commodities from malls of different regions, so its efficiency relies heavily on delivery, a complex process which can cost many days.  
③As a result, if a consumer’s need of a specific commodity is too urgent to make him wait for one day or more, he has to go to the real store. 
【句】第三句 if 从句用了一个比较抽象的词组做主语，不便于阅读。在 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace中，作者 Joseph M. Williams 指出一个句子的主语（subject）应该是一个具体的施动者（character），而谓语（predicate）应该是一个具体的动作（action）。这样，语法和语义的匹配才能使句子简洁（clarity）易懂。故，把本句中的施动者找出来做主语，动作找出来做谓语就好了。
【衔接】人称的变化关系着句子前后是否衔接顺畅，故本句应顺从前两句（use a consistent point of view），用第一人称。
【改】As a result, if we are in urgent need of a specific commodity, we have to go to the real store. or As a result, if we urgently need a specific commodity, we have to go to the real store. 
④ Try to imagine, if you need a bag of salt urgently when you are cooking, will you choose to attain it online at the expense of giving up eating? 
【句】第四句 Try to imagine 是祈使句，if 属另一句，中间没有连词，不能直接用逗号隔开，应用点号断句。又，imagine是及物动词，要跟宾语。当然，改成 For example 便可以用逗号和后文连接。
【词】后文“炒菜时急需一包盐“，不合情理，应该是需要”一点盐“，urgently 重复用词且”正在炒菜“已经能表达是否急迫之意，故删去。attain it 中的 attain 常和 end，object，ideal 等词搭配，这里和it（a bag of salt）搭配不对，改为 order it。后面的at the expense of giving up eating 删去，不影响句义。
【衔接】人称和上文保持一致。
【改】Imagine this. If we need a pinch of salt when we are cooking, will we order it online? or For example, if we need a pinch of salt when we are cooking, will we order it online?
【第二段修改版】
First of all, compared with online stores, bricks-and-mortar shops in the neighborhood can provide us with commodities faster, especially those daily necessities in great demand. Online shopping means we may choose commodities from malls of different regions, so its efficiency relies heavily on delivery, a complex process which can cost many days. As a result, if we urgently need a specific commodity, we have to go to the real store. For example, if we need a pinch of salt when we are cooking, will we order it online?
限于篇幅，第三段和第四段就不再展示批改过程了，有兴趣的同学可以尝试修改，锻炼自己的语言能力。
正如William Zinsser在On Writing Well中所说的一样，写作是一门手艺（Writing is a craft.），而要掌握这门手艺就需要不断实践，好比匠人打磨自己的作品一样，在修修补补的过程中不断精进自己的手艺。
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