文章转自我最最最最喜欢的Blog: Wait But Why 

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为什么虫子毁了你的生活
基本上就是有史以来最赞的行星啦。
可惜的是，如果你要算上了我们周围宣兵夺主的虫子，那么可能地球就不那么美好了。
诶，这个不算大的地球上，竟然有1千亿亿只虫子。平摊到全世界人口，就是每人相对应着15亿只昆虫。而且虫子的种类数目占据了地球物种的80%。
可惜啊。
而且不像是一个有了虫害的房子或者公寓，我们不能因此搬家了——地球是我们永久的居所，至少现在是这样子的。
有的人可能会说，当我说虫子毁了我们生活的时候，在“小题大做”或者是“没事瞎扯淡”。但是我没有，因为：

1）虫子就是迷你怪兽。

好，在你脑海里想像一个一般的生物的放大版。
比如一条大鱼，还是鱼；一直大鸟可能是鸵鸟；一只大的爬行动物可能是鳄鱼。大的哺乳动物也就是个狗熊。一般般的破玩意。
但是你知道什么不一般么？一直巨大的虫子。
想像一只和垃圾桶一样大的苍蝇，或者和椅子一样大的蚂蚁，再或者一个车子一样大的蟑螂。除了“怪兽”之外还能想象出什么描述这些东西的词么？
但是我们就因为现在虫子很小，就能够心安理得地和1千亿亿只迷你怪兽生活在一起么？
这简直是恐怖电影。

2）虫子噩梦一般的行为方式

是的，他们看起来就像是个噩梦，但是我和很多靠谱人士都痛恨虫子的原因，是因为它们的行为方式。
人类在地球上处于精英统治地位，但是所有物种之中只有虫子不大明白这一点。和其他的生物不同，虫子们A）完全不顾人类的私人空间，B）不理解私人财产的意义，不请自来，C）很显然不明白人类处于食物链的顶端，也就是大概没什么东西以人类为食。
如果虫子和其他物种一样遵守规则那么就没什么大问题了，但是虫子这种丧心病狂侵犯边界的行为让它们变得十分可鄙。
我们之间的边界就是问题的关键。大家都喜欢松鼠，但是如果松鼠开始规律性地到你的房间里，吃你的食物，在你的桌子上排泄，大家就开始讨厌松鼠了。如果松鼠某一天不再害怕人类，经常蹦到人的身上，在人睡觉的时候顺着身子爬，或者有时候把牙齿嵌进你的肉里吸你的血，那么我打赌你一定会非常，非常恨松鼠的。

3）虫子会让你颜面扫地。

作为一个害怕虫子的男人确实不是什么光彩的事情。
换作其他的恐惧症，你只需要避免和你恐惧的事情接触，没有人需要知道你晕菜的样子。但是因为刚才提过的原因，虫子就真尼玛为所欲为啊，所以是否遇见他们不是你能够控制的事情。所以，对于“看到虫子就吓尿了的男人”来说，见到虫子就要克制住刚开始被吓尿那一瞬间的冲动。这种冲动是这样子的：

有时候我就一个人，我对这种抽风也就随意了。我觉得对我来说最囧的事情就是有人把我这么多年被虫子吓尿的经历做成视频给大家看。
但是如果你不是一个人，比如周围有女生的时候，你就需要非常克制自己不让这种冲动控制了你的肌肉。这么多年我已经练就了一身克制手舞足蹈冲动的本领：

4）虫子能对你造成重创。

到此为止，我们讨论了两个级别的虫子引发的事故：

第一级别）侵犯领地：虫子跑到了你的家里，地板上或者天花板上。

第二级别）过分的要死的侵犯领地：虫子跑到了你的床上，或者你的身上。但是想要进入第三个级别还需要修炼。

第三级别）改变你一生的虫子事故：在你的衣服里面或者嘴里发现虫子。

这种事情能够改变你一生的某个习惯。比如我自从1991年开始就没用吸管喝过饮料

（在这个帖子里面，我吧蜘蛛和蛛形纲动物当作了昆虫，但是理论上说它们不算昆虫。）

蠢萌的昆虫

并不是每一种昆虫都让这个世界变得像地狱一样。对于这些昆虫有一些很严格的标准，只有满足了这些标准的虫子才能被划归为蠢萌类：
  • 它们的活动范围在室外
  • 它们看起来很可爱
  • 它们不咬人
  • 它们不做一些一惊一乍的动作
  • 它们对人类不感兴趣
  • 它们很搞笑

    例子：

尺蠖

尺蠖是标准的蠢萌昆虫。它长的很荒唐，可爱，活动缓慢，有点书呆子像。是为数不多的我可以用手接触的昆虫。

瓢虫


瓢虫就是在给我们捣鬼。如果它们是全黑的，那么我们肯定不会喜欢它们。因为那样子它们就会是脏兮兮的小甲壳虫。但是人类就是这么好骗的观众，瓢虫把自己打扮成小丑一样，就笼络了我们的人心。它们唯一的缺点就是偶尔会张开翅膀突然起飞，其实我经常忘记了它们还会飞。

药丸虫


药丸虫很好欺负。稍微碰它一下它就进入紧急状态，然后缩成一个球，然后你就可以拿起来任意蹂躏。你停手一会之后它才能鼓足勇气重新展开身体继续自己的生活，然后你就又可以再重复一遍这种蹂躏。实际上又是一种脏兮兮的虫子，但是鉴于它卷成球卖萌的能力，我们就暂且既往不咎把它放在蠢萌昆虫这一类。
而且严格来说它不算是昆虫，而是甲壳纲动物，不过既然我都写了这么多了我们就得过且过吧！

毛毛虫


毛毛虫是一种非常搞笑，但是自我厌恶的昆虫，大部分时间看起来都闷闷不乐。他们缓慢的移动速度让它们一点都不可怕（除了这个反例），而且它们大多数时间都呆在室外空间。
一般的虫子只要变大了就不能算作蠢萌了，但是毛毛虫通过变得像卡通画一样做到了“大也可以很萌”。

蝴蝶


按说蝴蝶应该很恐怖才对啊，这可是一种巨大的会飞的虫子！但是它们因为安分守己并没有遭到大家的厌恶。它们体态轻盈，靓丽可人，总是呆在户外，而且和其他昆虫不一样，它们扇动翅膀的动作轻柔而优雅。蝴蝶，外加瓢虫和萤火虫，组成了五岁小孩最喜欢的三种昆虫。

令人不爽的虫子

蚂蚱


蚂蚱实在是太一惊一乍了，跳来跳去不能被归类为可爱。但是它们对人类和我们的住所不敢兴趣，所以稳坐第二类头把交椅。

家蝇


家蝇不讨人喜欢。它们非常丑陋，不友好，而且它们的名字就暗示了它们非常喜欢呆在你的“家”里。而且它们会吃你的食物。我最近才了解到的一个事实：家蝇刚开始落在食物上但是不马上开始吃，是因为它们要先吐在你的食物上用自己的唾液在开饭之前进行提前消化，于是它们吃的时候就能节省时间。（现在我觉得你还是不知道这个小知识比较好，不过不好意思了）

蚂蚁


有时候人们家里出现蚂蚁，大家都觉得是因为蚂蚁闻到了食物的味道才蜂拥而来的。但是其实并不是这样子，蚂蚁闻不到什么东西，而是一只讨厌的蚂蚁侦察兵在房子里面漫游，找到了食物残渣，然后回到巢穴告诉自己的朋友。所以下次如果你在厨房发现一只落单的蚂蚁，就在它回去通风报信之前速度结果了它的小命。
虽然一般的黑蚂蚁被放在这种无害的分类中，但是这个世界上还有其他令人恐惧的蚂蚁。有一些丧心病狂的人会用这些蚂蚁做一些诡异的黑暗仪式。

蜜蜂


人们对蜜蜂的恐惧完全是大惊小怪。像我这种对各种昆虫都有恐惧症的人，蜜蜂从来都没有惹恼过我。对于蜜蜂，或者它们更加讨厌的大黄蜂朋友相处的方式，就是了解它们的小脑子是怎么构造的——它们对人类完全没有兴趣，也没有叮你的愿望，如果你简单地忽视他们，没什么坏事会发生。唯一的蜜蜂会变坏的情况就是你自己先不淡定了。鉴于我在蜜蜂面前完全能够保持住成年人的行为方式，我总是很喜欢和它们在一起的时间。
如果你感兴趣，这是一段有关大黄蜂罪恶行径的视频。

令人恼怒的虫子

这些虫子并不只是一件麻烦事，它们总是故意把我们的生活变得很糟糕。我实在不能理解从这里之后有人还能对昆虫漠不关心，这么丧心病狂，你们实在是有问题。

蛾子

我恨蛾子。它们是蝴蝶恶心而神经质的表亲。你知道蝴蝶么，他们不会这样瞎搞：
或者这样子：


这样子的行为是要有多烦人啊。而且，蛾子脑洞到底是有多大才能这么趋光啊？能够进化出这样子的特征，蛾子的世界实在是太不近人情了。

大蚊子

我不怎么清楚这些大蚊子到底是怎么一回事，或者它们平常都在干啥。小蚊子总是在我们身边哼哼唧唧吸我们的血，但是这个怪胎却总是特立独行地挂在墙角或者房顶上。大蚊子就是一个体型×10但是智商÷10的蚊子。

果蝇

周一，两只果蝇。周二，三只果蝇。周三，880只果蝇。

神烦小蜘蛛

不要和“噩梦蜘蛛”混淆了，神烦蜘蛛包括了从“小蜘蛛”到“长腿蜘蛛”的那些不那么恐怖的蜘蛛。
我最讨厌有些人在我房子里面看到蜘蛛之后说；“你应该给那只蜘蛛一条活路，他会吃掉你房间里面其他的虫子的。”不！我不会因为一只怪物有时候可能走运吃掉另一种怪物就大发慈悲。而且你是什么人啊，1750年的女巫？我们身边到处都是杀虫方法，而你却要忽略这些方法把怪物的老巢留在我的家里？
和蜘蛛共居一室，有时候你经过一扇门的时候就会被蜘蛛丝糊一脸。这意味着三件事：1）蜘蛛就在你的附近，2）它甚至可能就在你的衣服或者头发里面，3）你现在满脸都沾满了它屁股里面喷出来的东西。

完全无法接受的虫子

蚊子

在我们一生中经历的各种跌宕起伏中，最差的部分就包括晚上躺在床上，听到耳边有蚊子那高频的嗡嗡声晃来晃去。这只蚊子就在你的脸周围几厘米的距离飞来飞去，等着你睡着，然后花一晚上的时间叮你的脸。你伸出手在空中挥舞，希望能够驱赶这个小恶魔，但是就算着嗡嗡声停止了，也只能意味着要么它在某个隐秘的地方静静呆着养精蓄锐，要么就是它已经悄悄地停在你的头上某个地方了。如果你能够就这么得过且过了，那么三十秒之后它就又开始在你耳边嗡嗡了。
这种挣扎最后会有两种收场结果：
  1. 你最终无力地睡去，然后被蚊子在脸上啃一晚上。
  2. 你愤怒地从床上起来打开灯，穿着你的内裤在房间里拿着杂志搜寻这个小恶魔，知道你杀了它位置。
我实在不理解为什么有人能够接受1那个选项。

蜱虫


哦，这只不过是一个落在你身上就开始钻进你皮肤的虫子罢了。如果你之后发现了他们要他们搬走，他们并不同意。有比这个更不讨人喜欢的么？另外，如果你通过把他们的头拔下来这种方式请他们搬家，他们就会给你留下所谓的莱姆病。

虱子

在幼儿园的时候有时候老师会把我们叫到一起做检查虱子。我一直以为虱子是类似头皮屑一样的东西，没什么大惊小怪的，知道后面我发现原来它是这样子的。
这个发现是在我记忆中最吓人的。排名第二的是我6岁有一天在芝麻街中看到原来牛奶不是从白色奶油味的云彩上来的，而是从被人用手指从牛的乳房那里挤出来。我那之后基本不喝牛奶了。
看到这个照片，我不知道为什么那些孩子要害怕床底下的怪物，而不是可能生活在自己头上的这个怪物。
而且我也不确定为什么我从5到13岁被咬了40次，但是后面就再也没有了。

床虱

没啥的，搬家，所有东西买新的。谈话结束。

噩梦级别的虫子

蟑螂


我现在的感情很复杂。原因是我本来想搜索“蟑螂”，但是我一不小心点了“蟑螂滋生”。我不建议你去搜索这个东西，除非你想了解我现在的感受。

重拾我的自我意识之后，我们继续讨论我刚刚看到的另外一件事情：美国的常见蟑螂是会飞的。
我在纽约的时候虽然知道全城都有蟑螂生存，但是我的房东告诉我我的房间并没有。有一次我在洛杉矶办公室工作到深夜，然后感觉到自己脚上痒痒的，我低头一看发现有一只巨大的蟑螂站在我的穿着拖鞋的脚上。也许是因为这些经历或者蟑螂会飞这种新知识，我觉得我已经想要讨论下一种虫子的。
另外，我刚才在手腕上发现一片沙发上的绒毛，还以为是蟑螂被吓得半死。希望下面我们能够讨论一些比较愉悦的虫子。

蜈蚣

那些让你不要杀灭家中蜘蛛的人简直弱爆了。有一个网站告诉我这样一个有关蜈蚣的事实：
那个被布拉登当作末日昆虫的虫子，实际上是一种家中常见的有益昆虫。这种昆虫一般都在晚上捕食，而且并不叮咬人类。在有光的时候也会迅速逃走。如果放任不管，它甚至会捕食比如蟑螂等不速之客。
对这种论述我能打的最好的比方：一个女人因为家中厨房蹲着个裸男打电话报警，警察说没关系，你就把他留在那里吧，他不会对你做什么的，而且，如果有强盗或者强奸犯闯入你的房子，他说不定还会和他们大战一场呢。

噩梦蜘蛛

让我们欢迎噩梦中的噩梦！这个世界上有很多吓人的虫子，但是没有一个能够给我这种扭头在台灯上看到这个的恐惧：
蜘蛛和其他虫子完全不是一个战斗级别的，他们自己就是一个恐惧的级别，甚至远超前面两种。而且，现在我们已经脱离了“非理性恐惧”的范围，因为这只台灯上的蜘蛛跑的极快，能跳，会咬你而且很可能会杀了你。这些都是真正值得我们害怕的原因。
我看到这张照片的唯一想法就是我后面究竟应该TM的干什么好。我可能会慢慢把这个台灯放到室外，但是估计你动一下台灯那只蜘蛛就跑到了别的地方，然后就出现了这样子的状况：

抱歉，我知道你已经受够了，我们马上就结束了：
让我们用这只大到可以吃鸟的蜘蛛收尾吧：
最后，是人类历史上最恐怖的昆虫的照片，一直巨大的狼蛛妈妈和她的孩子们：
Why Bugs Ruin Everything?
The Earth is almost the best planet ever. It’s stunningly gorgeous, optimally located in space, and it’s perfectly suited for its magnificent array of flora and fauna to live and thrive.
Almost the best planet ever.
Unfortunately, you can’t be the best planet ever when your clearest defining characteristic is a revolting worldwide bug infestation.
On what’s not that big a planet, there are 10 quintillion bugs, or 1.5 billion bugs for every living human, and they make up 80% of the world’s species.
What a shame.
And unlike an infested apartment or house, we can’t just move—this is our permanent situation.
Some might say I’m “overreacting” or “being a little bitch” when I say that bugs make life “basically not worth living,” but I’m not. Here’s why:
1) Bugs are tiny monsters.
Picture a large version of any other type of creature.
A large fish is still a fish. A large bird is an ostrich or something else normal. A large reptile? Alligator. A large mammal? Bear. Normal shit.
You know what’s not normal? A large insect.
You know why it’s not normal? Because a large insect would be a monster and monsters are not normal.
Imagine a fly the size of trash can or an ant the size of a park bench or a cockroach the size of a car. Is there any word you’d use to describe those things besides monster?
But because bugs are small, we’re just okay living on a planet with 10 quintillion monsters?
It’s a horror movie.
2) Bugs’ behavior is appalling.
Yes, they look like nightmares, but the main reason I and so many other reasonable people loathe bugs is because of how they behave.
Humans have elite status on this planet, and everyone seems to get that except for the insects. Unlike almost all other creatures, insects A) have no regard for a human’s personal space, B) don’t understand the concept of private property and think it’s okay to enter an indoor place uninvited, and C) apparently didn’t get the memo that humans are at the very top of the food chain, which means no one is supposed to feed on them.
If bugs just followed the rules like everyone else, they really wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s their egregious disregard for boundaries that makes them so despicable.

The problem is the boundaries. No one really hates squirrels. But if instead of staying outside where they belong, squirrels routinely ended up in your house, on your wall, on your food, and in your bed, we would all hate squirrels. If instead of being terrified of humans like they should be, squirrels regularly jumped on humans, crawled around people’s bodies while they’re sleeping, and sometimes sunk their teeth into you to suck your blood, I promise you we would all really, really hate squirrels.
3) Bugs can embarrass you.
It’s not a great situation to be a guy who’s terrified of bugs.
With another embarrassing phobia, you can usually just avoid that thing and no one has to know how faint and panic-stricken it makes you. But since, as mentioned above, bugs just do whatever the fuck they want, it’s not really up to you when you do and don’t encounter them. So a key skill of The Guy Who’s a Huge Pussy When it Comes to Bugs is to control the “initial involuntary horror reaction,” or the IIHR, which happens when you suddenly notice a large bug on or near you. An IIHR looks something like this:
When I’m alone and see a bug, I let the IIHRs fly. I think probably the most mortifying thing that could happen to me would be for someone to show everyone a video montage of every private IIHR I’ve ever had.
But when there are people around, especially girls, it’s critical to overcome the initial terrified impulse and avoid a public IIHR display. I’ve gotten pretty good at that over the years:

But sometimes a Bug Incident is so startling, violating, or overwhelmingly scary that before your conscious mind scrambles to the scene and takes control, an IIHR happens, and there’s nothing you can ever do to take it back:
4) Bugs can traumatize you.
So far, we’ve discussed the first two levels of Bug Incidents:
Level 1) The Violating BugIncident—A bug inside your home, on the wall or floor
Level 2) The Incredibly Violating Bug Incident—A bug in your bed or on your body
But we’ve yet to broach the third and most deadly type of Bug Incident:
Level 3) The Life-Changing Bug Incident—A bug under your clothes or in your mouth
An incident like this changes you forever. For example, I have not drunk out of a water bottle with a straw since 1991.

To better understand what we’re dealing with, let’s take a look at the five categories of insect:
(During this post, I’m gonna refer to spiders and other arachnids as insects even though they’re not insects. If I didn’t do this little note, at least four people would scold me in the comments, so here you go.)
Silly Insects
Not every insect is making the world a terrible place to live in. There’s a strict set of criteria in order for an insect to qualify as silly and end up in the only positive category:
  • They stay outside
  • They’re cute
  • They don’t bite
  • They don’t make sudden, startling movements
  • They’re not interested in humans
  • They’re hilarious
Examples:
The Inchworm
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The inchworm is the ideal silly insect. It’s absurd, adorable, slow-moving, and nerdy. One of the few insects I have no problem touching.
The Ladybug
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Ladybugs are pulling a fast one on us. If they were black, we wouldn’t like them. They’d be icky, small beetles. But humans are a cheap audience, and dressing up like a clown has done the trick and made them likable to humans. A big strike against them is that they do have startle potential when they randomly fly, which I always seem to forget they can do.
The Pill Bug
Pill bugs are really fun to bully. Just touch a pill bug and he goes into emergency mode and curls into a hard little sphere, which you can roll around with your finger. Then when you stop, he waits a few seconds before gaining the courage to unroll and continue along with his day, at which point you repeat the process. Another icky beetle, by the way, who cheats his way into the silly category by pulling this little ball stunt to distract us from who he actually is.
He’s also not an insect, but a crustacean, something I learned just now, but I already wrote this so we’re keeping it in!
The Caterpillar
Caterpillars are amusing, self-loathing little creatures who always seem to be glum. Their immense slowness makes them very unscary (usually, not always), and they tend to stay outside.
Usually being large is a deal breaker for the silly category, but even large caterpillars manage to be unscary by being full legit cartoons.
The Butterfly
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Butterflies should be scary—it’s a huge insect that flies! But they do basically everything else right, and it just manages to work—they’re pretty, gentle, always outside, and their flapping isn’t stressful and buzzy like most insects, it’s light and delicate. The butterfly joins the ladybug and the firefly in the trio of bugs five-year-old girls have an affinity for.
I also learned recently that in the cocoon, a caterpillar doesn’t “grow wings onto its body,” but rather dissolves its whole body into a mush of cells which then reform into a butterfly. Unclear whether that’s one of those things everyone knew but me or if it’s new information to a lot of people.
Unpleasant Insects
An Unpleasant Insect is one that is harmless for the most part but acts and looks like an upsetting insect, with no gimmick to cover that up like the Silly Insect crowd. They don’t ruin my life, but it would still be better if they didn’t exist.
The Grasshopper
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Grasshoppers are far too jumpy and startly to be considered pleasant. But they’re generally uninterested in humans or their homes, so they fit nicely in the second category.
The Housefly
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Houseflies are not likable. They’re hideous, unfriendly, and part of their name is “house” because of how much they like being in the house with you. They also eat your food, and I found out recently that when they land on the food and don’t do anything for a few seconds, it’s because they’re throwing up on the food to get saliva on the part they’re gonna eat to start the digestive process ahead of time (good example of knowledge that you’re much better off not knowing—sorry).
The main point in their favor, and the reason they’re in this category, is that they don’t give me the willies like so many other bugs. I’m not scared of houseflies, they’re just annoying.
The Ant
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When someone has a bunch of ants in their home, I think people think that each of those ants smelled crumbs and so they all came for that reason. In reality, the way ants work is that one obnoxious ant came exploring, found crumbs, and then went back and told the others. So if you ever see a sole ant walking around your kitchen, end his little existence before he breaks the news to 1,000 other ants that he discovered a kitchen.
While this relatively benign category might be fitting for your normal black ant, there are other ants far more terrifying. And completely insane people who use them for unspeakable rituals.
The Honeybee
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Bees are overratedly scary. For someone who’s scared of almost all bugs, bees have never bothered me. The key with bees, and even with their more upsetting friends like wasps and hornets, is to just internalize how they’re wired—which is that they’re bored by humans, have no incentive to sting you, and that if you just ignore them, nothing bad will ever happen. The only time a bee is a dick is if he’s threatened—which only happens if you freak out when you see one. I also love when I’m with people and bees are around because it’s the one insect I act like an adult about.
If you’re interested, here’s a video of hornets doing mean things.
Upsetting Insects
Upsetting insects are more than a nuisance—they actively make life worse. It annoys the shit out of me when someone acts nonchalant about any insect from here forward, because these insects are blatantly upsetting, so what’s your problem.
The Moth
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I hate moths—the butterfly’s disgusting, stressful cousin. You know what butterflies don’t do? They don’t do shit like this:
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Or this:
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What an incredibly unappealing thing to do. Also, how illogical are moths that they’re single-mindedly obsessed with light and yet also nocturnal? Who in the moth world was responsible for that decision and why are they so unimpressive?
The Big Mosquito
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Very unclear what the big mosquito’s deal is or what he’s doing with his life. Small mosquitos are out there being normal, destroying happiness, and this weirdo is just up there being hectic in the corner of the ceiling. It’s like a mosquito that’s 10x the normal size and 1/10th the normal IQ.
The Fruit Fly
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Monday, two fruit flies. Tuesday, three fruit flies. Wednesday, 880 fruit flies.
The Upsetting Spider
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Not to be confused with The Nightmarish Spider, The Upsetting Spider encompasses the less-scary kinds, from the really small ones to absurd Daddy Longlegs.
Another type of person that annoys me is the one who’s like, “You should let the spiders in your house live because they kill other bugs.” SORRY, NO, I’m not going to voluntarily live with monsters because they might kill a different monster sometime if they get lucky. And what are you—a witch living in 1750? We’ve invented all kinds of advanced methods of insect control, and you’re gonna leave an insect’s lair as part of your living situation in favor of the modern methods?
Living with spiders also means that sometimes you’re going to walk into a room and suddenly there are spiderweb strands hanging off your face. When this happens, you know three things: 1) There’s a spider right near you somewhere, 2) He might be in your hair or in your collar, and 3) Your face is covered in stuff that recently came out of a spider’s ass.
Completely Unacceptable Insects
We’ve gone through some bad characters, but up to now, one thing no one has done is feed on your body. Now we get to a group of disease-carrying monsters whose goalis to land on your skin, burrow into it, and drink your blood. It’s not okay. No part of that is an okay thing.
The Mosquito
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In a life full of experiences both good and bad, the single worst part is lying in bed in the dark and hearing the high-pitched buzz of a mosquito in your ear. The sound of a flying monster two inches away, who is planning on spending the night biting your face. You flail your arm in the direction of the sound, and it stops—which means either A) he’s on a surface one foot away biding his time, or B) he’s standing somewhere on your head and you don’t realize it. If somehow you can move on from this, about 30 seconds later you hear the buzzing again. You flail your arm and it stops.
This cycle repeats itself again and again and ends with one of two outcomes:
1) You eventually fall asleep, and then he lands on you and sucks your face blood throughout the night.
2) You get the fuck out of bed, turn on the light, and spend as long as necessary walking around the room in your underwear with a magazine until you’ve killed the mosquito.
The fact that a large portion of people don’t bother going for Outcome 2 is beyond me. Why is Outcome 1 acceptable for anyone ever??
The Tick
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Oh just a bug that falls onto you from trees or jumps onto you from grass and then quietly bores its head and body deep into your skin. Then if you find them and ask them to leave, they refuse to let go. Could any behavior possibly be more off-putting? Who raised them? As a fun extra, they also permanently have Lyme Disease and leave you with that once you finally convince them to move on to other life pursuits by severing their head from their body.
The Louse
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When I was in elementary school and the nurse would have everyone in her office for lice checks, I thought nothing of it. I thought of it like checking for dandruff or something. Then one day I saw a picture like this one and realized what a louse was.
It was the most horrifying discovery since the day I saw a Sesame Street segment on milking cows and realized that milk didn’t come from some white waterfall or creamy cloud, but rather from the fleshy fingers emerging from a cow’s veiny underbrain, permanently ending my milk-drinking days at the age of six.
Given the photo above, I’m not sure why kids feel the need to get creative with cliche fears like monsters under the bed, when there are actual monsters possibly living on their head.
I’m also now wondering why I had like 40 lice checks between the ages of 5 and 13 and none since. Doesn’t seem that well thought-out.
The Bedbug
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You move and buy all new things. End of this discussion and don’t bring it up again.
Nightmare Insects
Given that bugs are who they are, this final dark category could be extended to include a large number of creatures, likethesethree. But since you and I both need to do other things today at some point, I’ll keep it to the most prominent of the Nightmare Insects. Starting with what we can all agree is the world’s worst creature—
The Cockroach
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I’m feeling a certain way right now. It’s the way you feel when you’re looking for a picture of cockroaches and you end up for some inexplicable reason googling “cockroach infestation” and looking at images. I don’t recommend it, but if you’d like to understand what it feels like to feel how I feel right now, you can do that to find out.
Trying my best to regain my sense of self, I’ll move on by saying that one of the other things I confirmed while looking for a photo was that American cockroaches—the largest kind—do in fact fly.
Maybe it’s this new piece of knowledge—or maybe it’s the memory of a landlord telling me that every single building in New York City is infested with cockroaches and if you don’t have them in your apartment, they’re still in the walls and furnace room—or maybe it’s the fact that less than six months ago I was working late in an office in LA, wearing flip flops, when I felt something on my foot and looked down and there was a huge cockroach on the top of my bare foot and I kind of still haven’t gotten over it—but something going on in me is feeling very ready to move onto the next bug.
Quick side note: I just saw a tiny piece of lint from the couch on my wrist and jolted because writing this post has put me so on edge. Hopefully something more pleasant is coming up.
The Centipede
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Forget the “keep your spiders” people. The site I got this picture from gives advice regarding bugs, and says the following about this 
science fiction horror movie alien:

What Brandon has labeled the Bug of Doom is a harmless, beneficial House Centipede. This nocturnal predator is not known to bite people, will run away when the lights are snapped on, and will eat cockroaches and other undesirable household intruders if left alone to forage.
The best thing I can compare this to is a woman calling the police because there’s a naked man in a squat on her kitchen counter staring at her with a twisted smile and the police telling her to leave the man be because he’s just staring and probably won’t touch her, and if a burglar or rapist or murderer ever breaks into the house, they’ll be so weirded out when they see the naked smiling squatting man on the counter that they’ll leave and won’t harm her.
The Nightmarish Spider
Time for the grand king of all life misery. There are a lot of scary bugs, but none could give me the feeling I’d get if I were sitting on the couch and looked over at the lamp and saw this:
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Spiders are just different than other bugs—they’re in their own league of scariness, with serious separation even from the previous two creatures. We’re also out of “irrational fear” land now—that guy on the lamp is incredibly fast, can jump, and might have a bite that can kill you. There’s actual real reason to be scared.
The only thing I can think about when looking at that picture is how the hell I’d proceed. I’d probably end up slowly taking the lamp outside, but there’s a good chance that as soon as you move the lamp, he starts sprinting around the shade or jumps off and you have an experience like this:

Sorry, I know I’m putting you through a lot right now. We’re almost done.
Let’s begin our wrap-up pleasantly with the spider that’s so huge it eats birds:
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And finally, the single scariest photo ever taken in mankind’s history—a tarantula and hundreds of tarantula babies.
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