加强与父母、公婆或岳父母的关系 ——六条建议，教你呵护微妙的亲情关系

编者按

孝敬父母是神的诫命。在实际生活中，对于自己的父母、配偶的父母我们应该如何对待？作者根据圣经原则给我们提出了6点建议。

我们被告诫要尊重父母（出埃及记20:12）。如果单身，我们要对自己的亲生父母负责，如果已婚，我们不仅要对亲生父母负责，还要对公婆或岳父母负责。的确，我们婚嫁的时候，迎娶或下嫁的不仅仅是对方一个人，而是对方整个家庭。在婚姻中合二为一要求分享对方的所有，当然也包括对方的父母。

伟大的圣经故事——路得和拿俄米的故事向我们展示了孝敬婆婆的温柔典范——路得。 为了躲避以色列的饥荒，拿俄米和丈夫带着两个儿子逃到摩押。在那里，她将两个儿子抚养成人，看着他们娶妻成家，两个儿媳都是摩押人。后来拿俄米不幸失去了丈夫和两个儿子，她决定返回老家以色列。她鼓励两个儿媳留在摩押重新嫁人，但儿媳路得选择陪婆婆回以色列，说：“你往哪里去，我也往那里去。你在哪里住宿，我也在那里住宿。你的国就是我的国，你的神就是我的神。”（路得记1:16）

路得对婆婆的忠诚使她嫁给了拿俄米的一个亲戚，并有殊荣成为大卫王的曾祖母，大卫王又是耶稣即弥赛亚的直系祖先。

神要我们去侍奉伴侣，孝敬父母。家庭成员要想构建良好的关系，必须遵循这两条至关重要的原则。这并非那么容易。孝敬父母可能会让你的生活平添不便且花费不菲。而你并不能让所有的人都满意。你最终的工作不是让每个人都高兴，而是要忠于神要求你关爱伴侣，养育孩子和照顾父母的呼召。

六种方法用于经营与父母，公婆或岳父母的友好关系

1.放大正面因素：

如果我们问自己：“我最想得到谁的支持？”我们的父母、公婆或岳父母总会排在一串名字的最前边。我们想让父母为我们感到骄傲，我们渴望他们的支持。这种愿望会导致我们对他们的态度过于敏感，尤其是开启人生某个新阶段的时候。

新婚之后，你决定改变发型。你的好朋友说她觉得长发最好。你觉得这是个好的建议。可是如果你的婆婆说她觉得长发好，你会觉得这是在干涉你。或者，你的宝宝任性胡闹，你的好朋友会说别叫孩子胡闹了，你也许欣然接受她的建议。但是如果你妈妈也这样说，你会觉得她是在指责你不会带孩子。“她怎么可以那么挑剔呢？”或者，你辛辛苦苦打扫好房间等着朋友来到，父母却没评论一下房间看上去多可爱，于是你便猜想他们是对你不满意。

太看重父母的看法，太在意他们不发表看法，我们就很容易反应过激。本该放大正面因素的我们，因为过于挑剔父母的反应，反而善于放大负面因素。即使真的有问题，我们必须决定究竟是该专注于失望还是强调正面。

2. 向父母学习：

无论我们的父母是什么样的，他们都具备我们所缺的两样东西：年龄和经验。年龄积累经验和智慧。一个人越年长，他的天赋和才能也与日俱增。每个人都可以从父母那里学到东西。他们的世界和我们的不同，他们的生活也和我们的不同。

关于父母，我们可以问自己以下几个问题：

·他们的天赋是什么？

·他们有智慧吗？

·他们做事漂亮吗？

·他们有可以传授给我们的特殊才能吗？

前段时间，我丈夫约翰被公司的人事问题搞得焦头烂额。他不知所措，无法应对那一触即爆的复杂局面。他急需智慧却发现自己的智慧竟然不够用！于是他拿起电话向我妈妈请教。这太正确了。因为我妈的天赋之一就是有智慧。她有丰富的人际关系经验，有看透事情本质的非凡能力。听完我丈夫的诉说后，她能够给出几点意见帮助我丈夫决定该怎么做。这使双方都受益。我丈夫受益于我妈妈的意见，妈妈受益于被需要的鼓励。他对她判断的信任加深了他们的友谊。

3. 主动表达，体贴父母：

等着父母主动关爱再容易不过了。说到底，他们是我们的父母。他们的主动关爱伴着我们一路成长。我们却缺乏主动。我们想和父母一起生活，但却不知道父母是否愿意走向我们，何时走向我们。于是，我们等着父母主动提出。

难道我们不可以主动走向父母吗？是的，我们应该！我们不能总是期待父母一直充当亲子关系中主动的一方。

朱迪和父亲关系不佳，但是她渴望和他亲近。一日聊天时，我问她：“你爸爸喜欢干什么？”她想了一会儿，回答道：“哦，他经常散步。”

“问问他你能否和他一起散步，”我建议道：“和他一起散步，不带任何目的，只是享受和他在一起的感觉。尽量多和他一起散步。一开始可能会尴尬，但是如果坚持下去，你会吃惊地发现你们两人都会感到越来越舒服的。散步是他的‘事情’，你需要陪他去他觉得舒服的地方。你会惊讶，一个简单的散步的举动，就能轻而易举地打开彼此的心门，让你们建立深厚的感情。“

4. 父母衰老生病时多关爱他们：

如何孝敬父母，因人而异，因条件而异。有两点我们必须牢记：考虑对自己小家庭有利的同时，也要考虑如何孝敬父母。

·父母有哪些需求？

·你住的离他们远不远？

· 你能为大家庭做什么？

·在经济方面，保健方面，住房方面，你能提供什么帮助？

然后，看看你自己小家庭的需求。如果正在拉扯小宝宝，或夫妻两人都因为工作而没有弹性时间，帮助父母的选项就有限。如果是单身或没孩子，就能更好地帮助父母。

在决定孝敬年迈的父母时，要和大家庭的成员们沟通好。坐在一起解决问题，实际上提供了一个加深兄弟姐妹情谊的好机会。

你必须舍得花时间花金钱，舍得腾出家里的空间来照顾父母。这说起来容易做起来难。照顾父母会有诸多不便，而且耗时日久。但请别忘记，你是孩子的时候，父母也是这样照顾你的。你很难带，还经常惹人生气。你需要父母牺牲自己来照顾你。现在，轮到你来孝敬他们为他们牺牲自己了。

5. 保持幽默感：

我们总感觉自己是孩子，父母总感觉自己是父母。然后突然有一天，父母像孩子一样行事，我们觉得自己像父母。亲子突然关系颠倒过来了，这令人觉得怪异，因为意识到自己要充当家长的角色来照顾父母是有点困难的。

翠西五十多岁时成为了单亲家长，和27岁的女儿温迪一起生活。一天晚上，翠西去剧院相亲。她原本想着演出一结束就立马回家，但她和相亲对象玩儿得好开心，便一起吃宵夜去了。等她回到家已经是凌晨一点了。她刚一开门，客厅的灯突然亮了，客厅里站着满脸睡意，满心牵挂的女儿。

“妈妈，”女儿大声说：“你到哪儿去了？你比说好的回家时间晚那么多。而我一点儿也不知道你的约会。我以为你真的遇见麻烦了。我正要打电话报警呢。”

站在楼梯台阶上，翠西突然觉得女儿就像昔日的自己附体，自己当年就是这样操心女儿的。翠西向女儿道歉，说让她操心了。然后母女二人为她们之间的角色转换大笑不已。

6. 尽量不后悔：

父母、公婆或岳父母与世长辞时，我们应该是满心感激而不是满心悔恨地追忆往昔。“但你并不知道我和父母的关系一直有多糟，” 你也许会这样说。

是的，我不知道,,,,,,,，但神知道。即使在你最痛苦的日子，神一直与你同在。不管你们家庭成员的关系如何糟糕，你必须相信父母尽了他们最大的努力，奉献了他们的一切。

几乎没有家长会料到养孩子是这么一件苦差事，做得不够好，在所难免。好在总有机会修正过往，总有机会将事情理顺，总有机会请求宽容，然后重新开始。

帕特生长于一个暴力的家庭。她唯一的哥哥是同性恋者，而她和父亲隔阂很深。最近，他哥哥被诊断出得了艾滋病。同一个星期，她爸爸被告知罹患晚期癌症。帕特渴望照顾哥哥和爸爸。但她知道在帮助父亲之前，自己首先要原谅他。这令她痛苦，倍感艰难。但是在神温柔的怜悯下，她原谅了父亲，而父亲在辞世之前，皈依了基督，求得了他的宽恕。

而后当她照顾哥哥渡过最后的日子时，她哥哥也皈依了慈爱的天父，天父理解他的痛苦，他能够宽容过错，能够修复亲情。

帕特是一个满心感激而不是满心悔恨的例子。她为被救赎的亲情满心感激，而不是为失去的亲情悔恨痛苦。我们都应该尽量活得没有悔恨。我们不知道未来会有什么，我们也不想在回首往事时说：“我没来得及告诉他我很抱歉，”或者“但愿我已经告诉她我爱她。”

有时候我们需要展望未来问问自己：“几年后，我会如何回首此时此刻？”也许会发现：我们需要给予宽恕或求得宽恕，需要写信表达爱意，需要将时间当礼物送给生病的爸爸或妈妈，陪坐在他（她）身边。我们必须做的一切，现在就应该去做，因为我们也许并不像自己以为的那样来日方长！

结束语

亲爱的弟兄姊妹，你是怎样的爱你的父母？你心里被基督的爱充满了吗？你把福音传给他们了吗？他们得救了吗？当他们离开你的时候你心中是因为确切知道他们已在天堂而感到安然，还是痛悔莫及没来得及把福音传给他们？

摘自苏珊·亚历山大·叶芝的《亲人即朋友》

文章来源：家庭生活网

网址：www.jiatingshenghuo.com

点击底部的“阅读原文”即可进入

【附：英文原文】

Strengthening Friendships With Parents and In-Laws

Six suggestions that will help you nurture these delicate relationships.

We are admonished to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12). If we are single, our responsibility is to our own parents; but if we are married, our responsibility is not only to our parents, but to our in-laws as well. It is true that when we marry, we marry a family. Part of becoming one in marriage involves the sharing of all things, and that includes our parents.

The great Bible story of Ruth and Naomi illustrates for us a tender example of honoring one's mother-in-law. Facing a famine in Judah, Naomi fled with her husband and two sons to the country of Moab. There they raised their sons and saw them married to Moabite women. When her husband and both sons died, Naomi decided to return to her native country of Judah. Although she encouraged her daughters-in-law to remain in their own country, Ruth chose to go with her, saying: "Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people shall be my people and your God my God" (Ruth 1:16).

Ruth's faithfulness to her mother-in-law resulted in her marriage to one of Naomi's kinsmen and having the honor of being the great-grandmother of King David and a direct ancestor of Jesus, the Messiah.

God has called us to serve our mates and to honor our parents. These two foundational principles are vital in building friendships within the family. It will not always be easy. It may be inconvenient and costly to honor your parents. And you will not be able to please everyone. Your ultimate job is not to keep everyone happy, but to be faithful to God's calling, which is to love your spouse, to nurture your children, and to care for your parents.

Six ways to nurture friendships with parents and in-laws

1.Expand the positives. If we asked ourselves, "Whose approval do I most desire?" our parents and in-laws would rank somewhere near the top of the list. We want our parents to be proud of us, and we long for their approval. This desire can cause us to be overly sensitive to them, especially in the beginning of a new season of life.

As a newlywed, you decide to change your hairstyle. Your close friend says she thinks it looks best long. You take that as good advice. But if your mother-in-law says she'd like it long, you take it as interfering. Or, your toddler is misbehaving and your good friend says he needs a "time-out." You may welcome her insights, but if your mother had been the one to say that, you might have taken it as criticism of your parenting skills: "How can she be so critical?" Or, you work hard to clean your house before your folks come over. They fail to comment on how lovely it looks, so you assume they are displeased.

It's so easy to overreact or to give too much weight to our parents' comments or lack of comments. Becoming critical of their responses, we begin to dwell on the negatives when we ought to expand the positives. Even if there are genuine problems, we have to decide whether we are going to focus on the disappointments or choose to accentuate the positives.

2. Learn from them. No matter what our parents are like, they possess two things that we don't—age and experience. With age comes experience and wisdom. And the older one becomes, the longer he has had to develop personal gifts and talents. Each of us can learn from our parents. They have lived a life different from ours, in a world different from ours.

We can ask ourselves several questions about our parents.

·"What are their gifts?"

·"Do they have wisdom?"

· "Do they do something well?"

· "Do they have a unique talent they could teach us?"

Some time ago, my husband, John, was struggling with a personnel problem in his office. He was really stuck and did not know how to handle the potentially explosive situation. He desperately needed wisdom and felt that he didn't have much! So he picked up the phone and called my mother. This was perfectly natural, because one of my mother's gifts is wisdom. She has had much experience with people, and she has an unusual ability to see clearly in the midst of a mess. She listened and was able to give my husband several insights that helped him decide what to do. It was mutually beneficial. He was helped by her insights and she was encouraged by being needed. And their friendship grew a little deeper because of his trust in her judgment.

3. Initiate activities and show thoughtfulness.

It's so easy to expect our parents to initiate activities with us. After all, they are our parents. We've grown up responding to them. So we wait, longing to spend time with them and wondering if and when they'll make a move toward us. Could it be that they need us to reach out to them? Yes. We can't expect our parents to continually take the initiative for getting together with us.

Jodie has had a difficult relationship with her dad, and yet she longs to grow closer to him. As we chatted one day, I asked her, "What does your dad like to do?"

After thinking for a moment, she replied, "Well, he often takes walks."

"Ask him if you could join him for a walk," I suggested. "Go with him with no agenda other than to enjoy being with him. And go as often as you can. It may feel awkward at first, but if you persist, you'll be surprised at how much more comfortable you both will become. Walks are 'his thing,' and you need to go where he is comfortable. You'll be amazed how a simple gesture like a walk can open the doors to a deeper relationship."

4. Care for them when they are old and ill.

How you do this will vary with your circumstances. As we remember our two essentials—consider what is best for your own family, and consider how to honor your parents.

What are their needs? Where do you live in relation to them? What extended-family support is available? What resources such as financial, health care, housing, etc., are available?

Then, consider the needs of your immediate family. If you are struggling with toddlers or both husband and wife are working in careers with little flexibility, your options will be limited. If you are single or do not have children, you may be in a better position to help.

Communicate clearly with your extended family as you make decisions about your aging parents. Working together to solve problems could become an opportunity for brothers and sisters to deepen their friendships.

You must be willing to sacrifice time, space in your home, and financial resources to care for your parents. It won't be easy. Caring for older parents can be inconvenient and time-consuming. But just remember, you weren't easy to care for as their baby. You were hard to raise and often exasperating. You demanded sacrifice. Now it is your turn to honor them and sacrifice for them.

5. Maintain a sense of humor. Sometimes we feel like the children and our parents feel like our parents. Then, suddenly, they act like children and we feel like the parents. The relationship has turned upside down and it feels very strange. It's difficult to find oneself parenting parents.

Trish is a single parent in her fifties. Her daughter, Wendy, is 27 and lives with her. One evening Trish went with a blind date to the theater. She expected to return home right after the show, but she and her date were having such a good time, they went out for a late dinner. When she opened the front door, it was 1 A.M. Suddenly the hall light came on, and there stood a very sleepy, very concerned daughter.

"Mother," she exclaimed, "where have you been? You are later than you said you would be. And I didn't know anything about your date. You could have been in real trouble. I was about to call the police."

As Trish stood on the steps, she experienced a sudden flashback of herself in the same position years earlier! After Trish apologized to her daughter for causing concern, the two had a good laugh about their role reversals.

6. Prepare for "no regrets." When our parents and in-laws die, we want to look back with a sense of gratitude rather than a feeling of regret. "But you don't know how bad my relationship with my parents has been," you might respond.

That's right. I don't know ... but God does. And He has been there with you even in the most painful times. No matter how difficult your family relationships were, you must believe that your parents did the best they could, given what they themselves came from. Hardly any parent sets out to do a bad job of raising his own children. The good news is that it is never too late to do what is right, to get things straightened out, to ask for forgiveness, and to start over.

Pat was raised in an abusive home. Her only brother adopted the gay lifestyle, and she became estranged from her father. Recently, her brother was diagnosed with AIDS. The same week her father was told that he had terminal cancer. Pat longed to minister to both her brother and father, but she knew that in her father's case, she needed to forgive him before she could help him. It was painful and difficult, but with God's tender mercy she forgave her dad, and just before he died, he gave his life to Christ and asked for His forgiveness.

Then as she nursed her brother in his final days, he too surrendered his life to a loving heavenly Father who understands pain and who is able to forgive and restore relationships.

Pat's story is one of gratitude for relationships redeemed instead of regret and bitterness for relationships lost. Each of us must do all we can to live with "no regrets." We don't know what the future holds, and we don't want to look back and say, "I didn't get to tell him I was sorry," or "I wish I had told her I loved her."

Sometimes it's helpful to look ahead and ask ourselves, "How will I look back on this time in a few years?" We may realize that we need to forgive or to ask for forgiveness, we may need to write a letter expressing love, or we may need to give the gift of our time to sit with a parent who is ill. Whatever we must do, we should do it now, for we may not have as much time left as we think we do.